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One year ago today, I saw this...

I thought I might be pg.  I decided to test at lunch.  By 10a I knew I'd never make it to lunch.  I hopped in my car and drove across the street to the super market across from work.  Yes, I could have walked, but there's no way I'd have gotten there fast enough to soothe my anxiety.  Bought the test and went directly into the middle stall in the bathroom at work.  I can still remember each and every one of those anxious waiting moments so vividly in my mind.

I did what the test called for (you're all intelligent, you know how these things work) and waited.  I laid the test on top of the toilet paper dispenser and didn't dare look at it.  I counted slowly in my head.  I couldn't watch my phone...it wasn't going fast enough.  My heart was pounding out of my chest.  About 30 seconds had passed, but it felt like hours.  I peeked.  Oh my f*cking goodness.  It said I was pregnant.  Very clearly for such a short amount of time.  You're supposed to wait 3 minutes for most of these.  It hadn't even been a minute yet and I saw this (above image).

I'd seen one other positive pregnancy test in my life and that ended in complete and utter heartbreak.  Could I get excited?  What if it was ectopic again?  I couldn't handle more heartbreak.  What should I do now?  Obviously, I realized I needed to alert the daddy :)  I took a pic on my phone (the image above) and texted it to M.  Ya I know, I suck, but I was so shocked I couldn't think clearly.  He didn't understand what he was looking at.  I told him he was going to be a dad.  He hasn't stopped smiling since.

A couple days later I went in for a blood test to confirm pregnancy.  My hormone (hcg) levels were high.  The first was 309 and two days later it was 643.  The nurse taking my blood told me that high hcg #'s usually (or at least sometimes could) indicated multiples.  I pretty much shrugged her off.  I knew someone was in there and growing fast.  That helped me relax a tad until our first ultrasound 2 weeks later.

Of course, you all know how this story plays out.  We found out the hcg was in fact indicative of twins and today we have 2 beautiful 4 and a half month olds-who are currently sleeping on me :)  After my ectopic loss in January 2009 I wasn't sure I'd ever get to be a mom.  That loss left me with a huge gaping hole.  My pg was not easy.  A high risk twin pg combined with the new found fears I had thanks to my traumatic loss, I wasn't about to relax.  When you've been in that 1% of unlucky (ectopic rupture-massive internal bleeding-emergency surgery), you learn that it does happen to someone.  You lose your innocence and you learn to question everything.

I made it through pregnancy, though not necessarily unscathed!  Now, to figure out this parenthood thing ;)  Thank goodness I have an amazing partner in crime and two very patient loving babies who cut us some slack as we all learn together.  Hard to believe one whole year has passed since that life changing day.  In that year, we had another life changing day.  3/22/11-birthday.  The day I learned what love really was.  Its amazing how powerful meeting your children for the first time really is.  You see your belly grow, you feel them kick and move, but seeing them, holding them.  The most amazing feeling in the world.  People tell you, but you just have to experience it to "get it".  I watched the hustle and bustle going on in the delivery room when they were born, but all I could see was them and its been that way ever since.

Maybe someday down the road I'll get to see this welcome sight again.  I'll get to write an entire blog filled with gushy, cliche' mom talk, buy too many baby clothes, dust off all our infant gear from the twins, decorate a nursery and fall in love all over again.

A twin birth story---is massively long

I need to write this down so I don't forget :)  They will be 8 weeks old on Tuesday.  Oh my GAWD.

My pregnancy was progressing much as you'd expect with twins.  My cervix was long and holding up like a fortress.  My blood pressure was doing great.  The babies were growing perfectly and I was feeling pretty good.  On Feb. 23 I went to L&D for a routine NST (non-stress test).  When you are pregnant with twins, the doctors appointments are frequent.  Starting at 32 weeks twin moms start the bi-WEEKLY non-stress tests.  During this test they put two toco-monitors around your belly, one for each heartbeat.  For about 30 minutes to an hour they record the babies heart beat accels and decels.  They like to see lots of each.  That tells them that the babies are moving and resting just as they should be.  

So back to Feb. 23, 32 weeks pregnant, my grandma's birthday.  I went to L&D for my NST.  Before they hooked me up to the toco-meters they took my bp and vitals.  The nurse (Anitra, who I came to be very close to) asked me if my bp was usually this elevated.  *PANIC*  I asked her why.  She said it was "up there" but wouldn't tell me just how up there.  Greeeaaaat.  Anitra left to go call my doc, but not before hooking me up to the monitors.  For the next hour M and I sat listening to the swoosh swoosh swoosh of our babies heart beats and a couple rounds of baby hiccups.  Both of us were pretty nervous and we knew that my perfect pregnancy was about to get complicated.

Anitra came back and said, "you just bought yourself a hospital stay".  I sort of figured this was coming.  I knew that having twins gestating meant my chances for pre-ecclampsia were HIGH.  They put in an IV and informed me that they would be doing a 24 hours urine catch.  For 24 hours you pee in a bucket and then they test the urine for proteins.  This is also the point where they told me that my mild symptoms could turn serious at any time and they may have to deliver the babies.  I got my first round of steroids to mature the babies lungs *just in case*, were they to come 8 weeks early.  Petrified at this point.  

A few hours later I was moved to my ante-partum room (the one I'd be in for the next 4 weeks, I never left).  I got settled in my new home and hooked back up to the monitors.  Babies looked fabulous BUT the monitors picked up several contractions.  At this point in my pregnancy contractions were VERY common, I wasn't worried.  The nurses were.  They did a manual cervical check *ouch* and an FFN (fetal fibronectin).  The FFN is a vaginal swab that checks to see if there are any secretions present that may indicate labor is imminent.  A positive FFN means labor is a good possibility in the next two weeks.  A negative FFN means, you guessed it, labor is not imminent in the next two weeks.  Mine was negative and my doc decided that my contractions were probably just harmless.  And they were.  They were present at every NST, but I never went into labor.

So I spent the first of many nights in room 316 on L&D.  My 24 hour urine catch results came back early afternoon the next day.  I was officially diagnosed with mild pre-ecclampsia.  I knew I could deliver them at any time, so I stuck to the doc's instructions and stayed in bed...for a month.  That month wasn't all bad.  I heard many a baby born in the rooms near me.  We'd hear cheering, sometimes screaming, then the beautiful sounds of a newborn set of lungs.  That always made me smile :)  Life was beginning all round me and it was awesome.  

Everyday the OB's would come see me and let me know that things were status quo, but that I'd be staying until delivery.  I was ok with this because I wanted to keep {M} & {A} cooking as long as I could.  The nurses were my saving grace.  Seriously.  Anitra, Sonia, Renee, Sarah, Debbie, Jenny 1 & 2, Melisa, Kristin, Barbara, Kelly, etc etc etc.  Love love LOVE them and always will.  They got me through a tough time and I'll be forever grateful.  

Lets fast forward to the week of the birth, shall we?  I made it, with mild pre-e (go me!) to 35 weeks on strict bed rest.  Three NST's a day, blood draws every Monday and Thursday morning @ 6a (what a way to wake up), physical therapy (for my pelvic separation) three times a week, etc.  March 17, Dr H Lee walked into my room, fresh of a Caribbean vacation-fully not expecting me to have made it through the week she was gone, and told me we had a BIRTH DATE!  She said if I made it to 36w she was ready to deliver me.  D-day was 3/22/11 @ 11a.  She didn't want to push my body any further (the blood pressure was climbing).  OMG.  My babies were coming in a WEEK.  

Day before BIRTH DAY.  M and I sat in my room, the last day it would ever just be us.  We were both nervous and we wondered out loud what they would look like and who they'd be.  Neither of us slept.  At all.  We were so excited!  

BIRTH DAY 3.22.11

8am the delivery nurse came in to put my IV back in, pump me full of fluids, give me some nasty drink that was supposed to ward off nausea and some pill-no idea what they were for.  I signed the c-section paperwork-I understand that this is major surgery and can result in infection, blah blah blah and death.  No turning back now :)  

The anesthesiology team came in to tell me all about the dreaded SPINAL.  I signed more paperwork saying I understood that they could miss and I would be paralyzed for life.  Only kidding :)  It was just a consent form for the medication.  I loved my anesthesiologist.  I think that makes a HUGE difference.  Dr Baller was one of the sweetest women I'd ever met and she talked me through the whole c-section.  Loved her.  I saw her just last week and she remembered me and asked me how I was doing.  So sweet.  

Now it was time to take my last few steps as a pregnant women.  I waddled across the hall into the OR and onto the table.  There were about 25 nurses of various practices all waiting for me and my babies.  As I sat on the table, shaking from the nerves and the frozen room, people were prepping me.  I had anesthesiology prepping my back for the spinal.  I had my delivery nurses putting bp cuffs on my my arms and an O2 canula on my face.  The NICU nurses were prepping the warming beds for the babies.  I couldn't stop staring at the warming beds.  I just 20 short minutes my babies would be in there screaming and getting acclimated to the world.  

I sat on the table paying close attention to what the anesthesiology team was telling me.  They needed me to roll my back more.  Are you effing kidding me?  I can't roll it anymore I've got a twin belly resting on my KNEES.  At that point my delivering OB stood in front of my rubbing my arms and legs, trying to keep me warm and trying to pull shoulders forward so the anesthesiology team could find my spinal cord.  The pre-e had me pretty swollen and they were having a tough time.  They warned me, but I still flinched.  "Here comes the 'bee sting'".  Ouch, but not as bad as I was expecting.  Then came another and another and another.  They were numbing me up really well!  Once the numbness started to kick in they brought out the big guns.  Spinal time!  They poked.  OWWW!  They hit a bone-you can't numb a bone unfortunately.  Damn fluid retention.  Poked again.  OOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!  Hit bone on the other side.  At this point I was scared.  Scared that they'd never find my damn spinal cord and that I'd never get these babies OUT of me.  

Just when I thought I couldn't take another zing to the spine, they found the right spot and I felt the warmth of the spinal flowing through my lower body.  They spun me around and laid me down on the table.  They pulled my arms onto the cross bar and put a temp sticker on my forehead.  It was all happening so fast.  At this point it felt like my legs were "asleep".  It was the strangest feeling.  I just wanted to get up and walk around and make that pins & needles feeling go away.  They inserted the catheter and started to test my skin to see if I could feel anything.  NOPE. I was solidly numb from the collar bone down.  I never even felt the tugs and pulls they warned me about.  

M was finally allowed to come into the OR with his daddy scrubs on.  He looked excited and scared and oh so ready to meet these two beautiful creatures.  Around this time Dr H Lee and Dr Sun started hacking into my abdomen.  I was blissfully unaware.  I asked the nurses around me what was happening and they told me they were almost to Baby A.  WHAT?  That was fast!  The next thing I knew Dr H Lee was yelling at M to come see his son born.  Cue tears.  M got to watch our son slither out of my body and into the waiting arms of the NICU nurse practitioner.  M was snapping away with our camera and he followed that little boy over to his warming bed and took pictures of his first moments on earth.  They are beautiful pictures.  

Crying, screaming.  Our baby boy was here!  Overwhelming love.  Just an instantaneous feeling of joy.  I was watching my husband watch our son.  It was amazing.  One minute later, Dr H Lee called to M again to see his daughter born.  She came into this world screaming like nothing I've heard before.  She's still got those lungs and she lets us know it ;)  The NICU nurses brought {A} over to see me and I was in such awe.  I have a blonde daughter.  What?!  I have a blonde daughter?!?!  M was snapping pics of {M} and I called over to him "she has blonde hair!"  He looked at me and his eyes got HUGE.  He was so excited.  He walked over to her warmer and started snapping pictures of her.  I watched all of this unfold as if it wasn't happening to me.  I smiled and I literally felt my heart swell.  

I heard all of this second hand, but their apgars were {M}: 8 & 9 {A}: 7 & 9.  M cut {M}'s cord, but {A} was too squirmy and he didn't feel comfortable around her with sharp scissors.  He left it to the professionals ;).  She's still squirmy wormy!  They had their footprints taken for the birth certificates and all the post-birth brouhaha.  The NICU nurses and M carried the babies over to me and held them to my face while I was getting put back together so I could kiss them.  Oh my gosh, I'm a mom.  These beautiful, squirmy, pissed off infants were MINE.  I smelled them.  I took in everything about them.  I still remember what they smelled like, what they felt like, how they sounded, what they looked like.  Best moment of my life, meeting my children.  We took our first family pictures and they were whisked away to the NICU for evaluation.  Any baby born at or under 38 weeks gets a quick once over...though our babies once over would be anything but quick.  

M followed our new babies to the NICU and took more pictures, fed them their first bottles and loved on them while I was getting stitched back up and when I went to recovery.  Recovery was AGONY.  I wanted to go hang with my babies, but I had to wait.  M came to see me and brought me pictures and news.  I couldn't believe it was all happening without me!  At least M was there with them.  I relaxed and let the spinal wear off.  I was taken back to my room for some rest and relaxation.  Of course I couldn't rest or relax, I wanted to be with my babies.  I pumped for the first time and tried to keep my cool while I waited for permission to be wheeled down to see them.  M visited several more times, bringing MORE pictures and stories about how beautiful our babies were.  I was DYING to get to the NICU!

The rest of the story coming tomorrow :)  Stay tuned!

Updates from L&D

The first three weeks here were pretty uneventful, NOW is a different story.  We have a birthdate!  We're not sharing :)  We'll make a big introductory post when they arrive, which is VERY SOON.  While that day is scheduled, my pre-e has been really problematic lately.  My bp's are on the rise and almost daily we have to worry if this cluster of bp spikes will trigger delivery.  Its exhausting!  Some days I'm ready, others I'm not.  I like that its not really up to me!  They'll come when they come and if they don't come by 3/**/11 on their own, we'll deliver.  I'm scared about getting really sick with pre-e.  Its not a pleasant disease and its very unpredictable.  If things advance really quickly, my liver and kidneys could be compromised.  I could have strokes or seizures.  The disease could constrict blood flow to my babies.  All things WAY too devastating for me to think of right now.  Its a huge concern and my nurses and Dr.s are watching me very closely in order to avoid complications.

I'm praying that we can get to our scheduled csection with no complications.

Lately, the contractions have been ramping up as well.  Double whammy!  At this point, the Dr reassures me that my contractions are extremely typical for this late in twin pregnancy.  She keeps telling me that my body is DONE being pregnant.  I completely agree!  My uterus is stretched way beyond where it should be and my muscles are just done.  My contractions seem to be braxton-hicks.  They don't really have any pain associated with them, just tightness and some pressure.  When I was checked 3 weeks ago, my cervix was closed and soft, but with these b-hicks, I'm sure I'm starting to efface.  Thankfully, the nurses reassure me that if I was in full blown labor, I'd KNOW it.  I would apparently be in quite a bit of pain.

Babies look great!  They are hanging in there like little jumping beans.  I have 3 NST's a day to check their level of activity to make sure they are getting adequate blood flow and having the proper amount of excels and decels in heart rate.  So far, so good.  Its just unreal that we will meet them so soon.  I've waited my whole life to meet these two, SO CLOSE!

Please keep all 4 of us in your prayers.  Lots of wonderful, yet scary things coming our way!

The twins astrological signs

So we're going to meet these babies VERY soon!   So, days away from meeting my sweet little babes, naturally I started looking around to see what their "sign" would be.  I've never been all wrapped up in astrological signs, AT ALL, but I'm super interested at any glimpse of what these babies will be like.  I don't particularly disagree with what Cancer says about me and M is a text book Scorpio, so I'm interested :)

They will more than likely be born in a cusp-meaning, their birth will fall right in the middle of two signs.  Some charts have slightly different dates.

If they are born on or BEFORE March 20, they will be Pisces.  This strikes me as VERY interesting.  Twin fish are depicted in this sign-get it twins, with the last name of Fisher?  Peeeeeerfect!  Sadly, the only way they will have this sign is if I go into labor or if the pre-e forces delivery.  What a perfect sign for our twins though, right?!  Pisces tend to be compassionate, accepting, devoted and imaginative.  Lovee (we're testing out "grandma" names for my mom, so far Lovee is the front runner, I adore it!) Maureen will be excited about all those hippy traits!  In all serious though, M and I both tend to be compassionate (he may not look the part, but trust me, he's got the biggest heart I've ever seen on a man).  M is certainly the definition of devoted and I tend to be imaginative...when I have time to be.

If they are born on or AFTER March 21, they will be Aries.  The RAM!  My baby brother (who's not a baby anymore.  He'll be 25 next month!) Aries are typically strong willed and courageous.  Would any child of M's & mine be anything but strong willed?!  They also tend to be independent (um, sounds like daddy), enthusiastic (ME!) and optimistic.  I can handle that ;)

I know that a lot of people don't fall into the descriptions of their signs, but it was fun to see what they could be like.  Its funny, in utero, you get a glimpse of personality.  Little Miss A is a very mellow baby.  She hangs out under my right ribs, she's head down (like her brother) and she's got her little legs tucked up under her.  When that little body stretches, her butt pushes out and causes a hugely visible bump on my belly.  Everyone gets a kick out of that!  We predict she'll be mellow and relaxed, just like her daddy.

Little Mister M is a different story.  He's a wild man.  Its like he can't stay in one place for too long-boredom?  M says he's a lot like me in that respect :)  He's a mover and a shaker and the poor kid ALWAYS has hiccups.  I'm praying that doesn't mean he'll have reflux *does the sign of the cross*.  Speak of the devil, he's got the hiccups now ;)  He's also head down, but he has been since day uno.  His head is often seen hanging out on my cervix.  He knows where the exit is and he's ready to GO!  Like Momma, he can't stay in one place too long and he's always ready for the next big thing.  M thinks he's going to be like me and we both think he'll be our "problem" child.  Thats not to say that he'll be bad or cause problems, but we think he'll be the tough one to get to sleep, etc.

We're approaching 3 weeks in the hospital.  No, its not that bad-before anyone asks me.  The nurses are amazing and I have two good reasons to be here-their names will be announced after they are born.  Yes we've known their names for months and yes, their daddy picked both of them.  Last night M and I were trying to watch Inception (hated it, turned it off half way through) and we hear a woman screaming.  M looked at me and asked if we should call a nurse for help (forgetting where he was for a moment!).  Just about 30 seconds later we heard the first sweet cries of a new life.  It wasn't even our baby being born and M got this sweet look on his face and told me he couldn't wait (even more now) to meet our babies.  He's precious, isn't he?  We could faintly hear the mother crying as she met her new baby and the baby crying as he/she got cleaned up.  I feel like I trespassed on an intimate moment I wasn't supposed to hear, but its not my fault the vents are good sound conductors!  This morning I heard another birth.

I don't think I could ever be a labor & delivery nurse, but to be able to be a part of the most special moment in a couple's life, would make all the nasty worth it.

I know I promised to cut down on baby posts, but I have nothing else on my mind at this point.  Sorry :)

Flowers!

The excited grandpa-to-be (my dad) sent us flowers today!  Its nasty and snowy outside today and the walls are starting to close in so it was PERFECT timing.  They really brighten up the room and smell amazing!  Thanks Dad and Nova, I love them :)

I'm starting to think that I'll never want to go home...ok let me explain.  I lay in bed all day and watch TV, play on the internet, text, talk on the phone, watch movies & netflix, and sleep.  I get to eat really good food (no seriously the l&d floor has its own chef) and don't have to cook.  I get to hang out with a whole bunch of really sweet nurses all day long.  Seriously not your average bedrest, right?!  

In all seriousness, I miss home like crazy.  When M brings me fresh clothes and sheets I can smell home and it makes me sad.  I miss our pets and especially my cuddly black dog.  She's really having a hard time with me being gone :(  Poor baby girl.  I miss sleeping in MY bed with me hubby.  Here, he sleeps in the recliner or in the hospital guest bed.  Poor guy.  I miss my couch and my bathroom.  I miss my car and my MILK.  I miss it all really and when I do go home, it will never be the same.  It will be my house PLUS two.  Our family will double in size!  I will walk into my house as a MOM.  Heavy.  

The Dr came in and said everything is still stable.  Woohoo!  They may deliver me a week from today and they may wait two weeks, depending on my bp and labs.  I could be a mom in ONE week.  Holy crap!

33 weeks

Still here, hanging out :). Today marks 33 weeks. Whoop! Every day is a milestone. The babies put on so much weight and grow so fast at this point, every single day is huge. So far things are stable. The babies are doing great, they love all this lounging around! They are the "side show" on the l & d ward at this point. The nurses all come in to watch baby girl do her somersaults. My whole belly completely distorts and I swear with much more momentum she could throw me out of bed! Active little babe. Little man gets hiccups every single night when they put him on the monitors. I swear you can almost hear that sweet little voice :). Its funny that such small little babies can make such bit movements!

My bp is stable at this point. My labs are all looking good still and the docs are just watching me very closely for any changes. I don't have a whole lot to update, sorry! I pretty much just lay here and sleep most days. Let's hope the rest continues to do good things and stave off delivery, at least for another week or two.

Thank you so much for all your thoughts and prayers! We appreciate them so much :).

Update

So they have diagnosed me with mild pre-eclampsia. :(. I'm here for another night to see what my bp does. Its weird. The bottom # (diastolic) is good, but the top (systolic) is elevating. The med team is thoroughly confused at this point...hence further monitoring. This will ultimately be the reason for delivery but they are hoping to buy us a week or two. Just got my second steroid shot and I'm praying that we can keep things controlled at least a teensy bit longer.

They haven't started talking about imminent delivery yet and the mag sulfate won't come until they do. At least that's what the nurse says. Dr L will be here shortly to talk over the game plan. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared. Please keep praying for us.

Love to you all :)

"You just bought yourself a hospital stay"

I went in for a routine NST (non stress test) and fluid check and they notices my blood pressure was high. I've never had high blood pressure. The dipped my urine and sure enough I was spilling protein. They immediately popped in an iv, started steroids for the babies lungs and ordered a 24 hour urine catch, which I just finished. A couple hours into our stay I started contracting...only I couldn't feel them. The did a cervical check (closed, soft, long) and another ffn which was negative. Thank goodness.

BUT the pre-eclamptic symptoms are really troubling. When we get the results back from my urine catch they will make some big decisions. I may go home on strict bedrest. I may stay hospital bound on strict bedrest. They may try out magnesium sulfate-barf. It's an evil drug used to lower bp and stop contractions. The side effects are hideous and I'd have to get a folley(sp?) catheter. Yuck. Then there is the chance that the protien got so high that they need to deliver asap. My bp has been normal and borderline so at this point things could swing any way. The good news is babies look beautiful! Its just my body that is failing them :(. Come on body-let's regulate and keep these sweet babies IN for at least 2 more weeks!

Please keep us in your prayers. We are in great hands here, but no one wants me to deliver this soon. I'm about 32.5 weeks. Thank you for thinking of us :). I'll try to keep everyone posted.

And there He was

Sometimes life is just tough.  Plain and simple.  You get this pit in your stomach and no matter what you do, NOTHING comforts you.  Fear overwhelms you, anxiety rules your thoughts and depression sets in.  I dread this feeling with everything I have.  I hate feeling helpless, I hate losing control.  Its then, when you can't handle one more second of life, one more "bad" thing happening, that He steps in to bear your burdens.  Your mind clears, the icky anxiety slowly melts away and you feel that there is hope.

Its no secret that the last several weeks have been tough ones for us.  I prayed for an answer, some clarity, for the Lord to lift these heavy burdens from our hearts-and He did.  Now, I'm not claiming that every problem or fear I have at this moment has been solved for good, but things are finally looking up.  Nothing has miraculously changed, per say, but the Lord has a way of making a sorrowful heart happy and thus making a seemingly impossible situation look manageable.

I worry if I'll be able to breastfeed like I desperately hope to.  I worry that they won't be born perfectly healthy or that they'll come too soon.  I worry about how we'll ever get any sleep-I will work days and have them at night and M will work nights and have them during the day...ya we know it will be tough BUT have you checked out daycare prices for two?  We'd rather be tired than broke.  I worry about how we'll continue to save, pay down debt and STILL provide everything our new family of four needs.  I worry if I'll be a good Momma-I know that M will be the best Daddy.  I worry if we have enough in savings.  I worry about raising these precious babies so far from everyone that loves us.  I worry about...well, as you can see, I worry about it all ;)

As much as I worry, I know that the Lord is looking out for our little family.  When I was at my lowest point in memory (after my ectopic), I heard THIS song-Untitled Hymn by Chris Rice.  My life changed forever.  "Weak and wounded sinner, lost and left to die, raise your head for Love is passing by.  Come to Jesus...And now your burden's lifted and carried far away, and precious blood has washed away the stain.  Sing to Jesus...Like a newborn baby, don't be afraid to crawl and remember when you walk sometimes you fall.  So fall on Jesus..."  You get the point :)  Such powerful, yet simple words.  Faith.  Faith is the key to not just "making it through" life, but loving life.  He's always there.  It randomly pops on the radio and reminds me that it WILL in fact be ok.  As countless people have told me in the last month-It all works out for the best.  And it does.

Whether your life is good, bad or ugly tonight, I encourage you to look to Him.  Give him the glory, the sadness, the hurt or the pain.  He died so that we might have everlasting life.  My favorite line in that song "Oh and when the love spills over and music fills the night and when you can't contain your joy inside, DANCE FOR JESUS, dance for Jesus, dance for Jesus and LIVE!"  That line pulled me in hook line and sinker.  That line makes all the fears I carry melt away.  It reminds me that regardless of hard times, it will get better and when it does, Dance for Jesus ;)

A shitty car update and some pics

As you can probably guess, we were handed a big poop sandwich today.  The Jeep is out of commission.  Its a 6 cylinder and one of the cylinders is CRACKED.  Mother f*cker.  I'm sorry, but thats really the only appropriate thing I can think to say right now.  I apologize if I offend.  We owe a couple thousand still on the loan (which isn't bad), so our options are to rebuild the cylinder or that block of the engine-to the tune of $2000...not including labor, have an entirely new engine put in-to the tune of $2500-$4000 or sell it for parts and buy a new coche.  Man this sucks.  Right now, we're probably going to have it towed to get a second opinion on it before we make any big plans.  My dad seems to think that Firestone isn't really equipped to diagnose something so deep in the motor, and they can't repair it anyway, so we're taking it to someone who can.  

We could get a newer used car, but we have two babies coming VERY soon and adding that much to a loan we already have is just not smart.  Sure, we have a good chunk of savings, but these days, you need savings so we're not touching that at this point.  Plus, I'm barely working since I'm on modified bedrest, so we to have a buffer until I go back to work after the babies come.  Sometimes I really just want to crawl into a hole and sleep until someone fixes my problems for me.  M's no use right now either.  He's beyond FURIOUS and theres a lot of b.s. going on at his shop right now so he's getting it piled on too...not to mention that he's completely running our home on his own since I'm essentially bed/couch ridden except for a few hours a day.  God love him.

I realize I'm usually upbeat and pretty cheerful about life.  I can take a hurdle every now and then, but this is testing my sanity.  I'm so over the "short end of the stick".  I have so much good in my life, and I know that, truly I do, but right now I feel like there's a big arrow over our heads that says "shit on these guys they got too happy".  I just goes to show you, you think you have life all figured out and you're HAPPY, content and looking forward to the future, then the rug gets pulled out from under you.  My mom keeps telling me, "it will all work out for the best, it always does."  I hope you're right mom, I really do.  I had a good convo with Momma bear tonight, had a good cry and I'm hoping that bright side of the scenario blinds us pretty soon.  I'm ready for good news :)  

Speaking of happy things :)  Some of you have been asking for updated baby belly pics, well, here ya go!  These were taken tonight at 29w3d.  I'm doing pretty well, big and sore and hoping the rest of pregnancy passes quickly.  As much as I love feeling these two pumpkins kick and move and having this special time with them, I'm ready to meet them (well I'm ready for the next 4 weeks to fly)!  I'm ready to see their daddy and our family/friends meet them!  Not now though babies, you're stuck with me for a minimum of 4 more weeks.  

We've had Nellie (dog) for almost 2 years.  We had two cats prior to her Charlie (the little one who's lighter) and Elvis (the big dark guy).  In these two years the cats have never warmed up to our poor sweet Nellie.  Seriously.  When the cats see her they hiss and bat at her and when she sees them, she chases them like rabbits...its that damn coon hound blood.  Well, lately the cats have had a change of heart.  The change of heart seems to wax and wane, but hey, we'll take what we can get!  Last night (M worked the night shift) all three were in bed with me.  Nellie was in the middle, Elvis next to her and Charlie was on M's pillow.  No hissing, no fighting, NO BLOOD!  This evening I walk to the bathroom and this is what I see.  Frenemies!  Baby steps my friends, baby steps

I hope everyone is warm and cozy on this chilly, snowy evening!  

Gestational Diabetes

Yikes. Yesterday I got the call that I failed my three hour glucose test :(. I'm the newest member of the dreaded GD mommas-to-be. After a good long cry, M picked me up, hugged me and re-assured me that we can manage this as a team and it won't be a problem. As always, he's right, so I got it together and we looked for GD friendly recipes and made a GD friendly grocery list.  I caught a good one ladies ;)

I was pretty upset, but I know that getting upset about something I can't change is the last thing my babies need right now. I'm the sort of gal that panics, pulls herself together, puts on her game face and goes to take on the problem.  Game face is ON and we've got this week's diabetes friendly menu planned out.  Its a small sort of accomplishment, but when your body is failing you, its nice to feel accomplished in helping it do its job.

My grandmother had GD when she was pregnant with my dad.  This is a very large contributing factor as to why I have it.  The other BIG reason is, the twin factor.  Since my twins are fraternal, they have two placenta's producing hormones that are confusing my pancreas into not producing enough insulin to break down the sugars in my blood properly.  So, I have GD.  When properly controlled, it shouldn't cause longterm, major problems.  I have to record my blood sugar before I eat and then two hours after every meal.  This means, a finger prick at least 4 times a day.  Fun!

If I can keep it controlled via diabetes friendly recipes and menu's, we're all good.  If not, I'll have to go on insulin.  Most cases of GD disappear after giving birth.  Some linger, most of the cases that linger are the ones who have to be put on insulin.  I also have an elevated risk of having type 2 diabetes later in life.  This freaks me out, but it is what it is.  With a good diet and exercise I should be able to keep that at bay...hopefully.

Again I ask for your prayers and good vibes.  I knew the complications of twin pregnancy and I hoped I would be one of the lucky ones who got to the end with no issues.  I did so well until 27 weeks and then all hades broke loose!  I'm doing great though and I'm confident that my cervix and my diabetes are going to be well managed and not be a problem :)  Think HAPPY thoughts!!!  What matters is that my babies get here healthy and after 34 weeks.  Thats the objective and with my game face on, I'll achieve it ;)

I hope everyone enjoyed the snow!  We didn't get much, but its -15 degrees (high) here today with a wind chill of -35.  Its bitterly cold!  Stay warm and keep those furry friends INSIDE.  Have a fab week!

Bedrest Blues

The verdict was handed down yesterday after a pre-term labor scare that landed me in labor and delivery for 5 hours.  I'm on a week of "practice" bedrest and they'll check my cervix Friday to see if there are any changes.  We're not sure yet if bedrest will be permanent or just temporary.  The OB said, depending on how my cervix and I handle bedrest, I *might* get to do a little getting up here and there.  For now its laying, in my bed, on my side, for 24 hours a day...except to go to the bathroom.

I had a lot of contractions while being monitored yesterday and my OB said my cervix was soft, but long.  No one seems to know if thats good or bad.  They keep telling me that labor is unpredictable.  I did have a negative FFN (fetal fibronectin test), which tests the cervix to see if certain proteins (present when a woman is about to give birth) are there.  They weren't there, so the likelihood of me going into full blown labor in the next two weeks is very low.  I hope.  They say they can't give any result definitively, but at this point, its not likely.  Ok.  I guess if thats all they'll give me, I'll take it.

The l&d nurses are fabulous.  They made this scary experience as great as it could be.  They were all so sweet and reassuring.  They even gave us babies first hats!  They have a volunteer who makes knit hats for all the newborns and she gave us pink and blue itty bitty hats.  So sweet :)  They told me that  they see a lot of twin moms in all the time.  Twin pregnancy is no walk in the park (I could have told you that!) and complications are common, especially at this point.  My uterus is measuring 40 (ish) weeks and I have between 5.5 and 6.5 lbs of baby in me.  My poor worn out body thinks its time to give birth.  NOT YET BODY!

They did a bio-physical profile on the twins and so we got to watch them on ultrasound for about 2 hours.  They got a perfect score!  They were hiccuping and sucking their thumbs.  They were putting on quite the show for everyone.  At one point, Little Boy was kicking the monitors they had strapped to me and we watched on u/s as he delivered one blow after the other trying to get the monitors off him.  He succeeded.

I was strapped with a toco-monitor, to monitor contractions and two fetal doppler monitors to monitor their heartrates and movement.  I was loaded down!  The babies did great and are healthy and perfect.  Now we just need to buy at least 4-6 more weeks of them INSIDE so we can bring them into this world healthy.

If you're the praying type, can you pray for M, me and our sweet little ones?  If you're not the praying type, we accept any and all good thoughts :)  We appreciate all our readers and hope you have a wonderful week!

Third trimester twin belly

Holy moly!  I swear I don't *feel* that big!  When I went in for my 25 week OB appt, I was measuring 36w, so I'm pretty huge.  We hit the third trimester a couple days ago, so I thought I'd celebrate with a picture!  Please ignore the ever widening tooshie :) 

Braxton Hicks contractions are part of my everyday reality now.  Yuck.  At this point, the OB says they are completely normal, harmless and not to worry.  Right, easier said than done!  I'm having them check my cervix weekly for any change.  I know in a couple weeks the cervix will start to soften anyway to prepare for delivery, but its too early right now.

That reminds me, I need to write a "what they don't tell you about pregnancy" post soon.  I know every pregnancy/woman is different, so we all have different experiences, but its nice to know some of these things (the likely "side effects") before hand!  My experience will be a little different from most others, since I'm having two.  It will still be entertaining :)  There are routines I wish I would have started at week 4 that can't be reversed now.  Stay tuned!

Crib assembly: Not for the faint of heart

Today its snowing like a beast, so we thought hey, what a great day to clean out the guest room, nursery and assemble the cribs.  Sounds like a decent idea for a Sunday afternoon, right?  I'll start by saying, we had NO idea what we were in for.  None.  They just say "assembly required"...they forget to tell you that you might need IV fluids and a 8 hour nap after you've completed said task.  If you're about to build your baby's crib, drink heavily prior to attempting this task...unless you are the expectant mother (of course).  Liquor up your husbands ladies, trust me, they'll thank you for it.  

From the get go M was dreading this task.  He's about as un-skilled as it gets when it comes to assembling things.  This proved to be no exception.  We got all the pieces out and made sure we had everything, then the fun began!  We quickly realized we were in over our heads.  Between M's impatience, the lack of labeled parts and my big belly not letting me do much, crib #1 was a JOB.  We fumbled through the first several parts and eventually finally got the hang of things.  It took us three hours to assemble this poor bed!  

Here's M working on one of the sections I couldn't reach.  I love this pic because it totally looks like he gave up, I swear he's just finishing up the screws on that side :)

At this point it was do or die.  Crib-2 M&A-0

Crib one COMPLETE!!!

We did it!  Crib one was finally fully assembled!  Now did we move on to crib two or call it good?  Even though we had been through hades and back, we decided to tough it out and move onto crib two.  I mean, if we didn't at least start crib two, who knows when we would have attempted it again. We couldn't give up.  We just wanted it DONE.  Much to our surprise, crib two's assembly went MUCH smoother!  We had crib two together in less than an hour and a half.  Woop woop!  We're now available for hire if anyone you know is assembling a crib anytime soon ;)

Here's M zooming through crib two's construction as Nellie supervises

Would you look at that?!?!  M tightening the screw on crib two.  DONE!!!  Two assembled cribs right down the hall from my bedroom.  OMG.

Charlie couldn't stand that we kept him out all day.  As soon as we let him in, he started exploring.  Apparently cribs are at the top of his "love" list too.  

So we got to check off one of the most difficult parent-to-be tasks, EVER.  As difficult a task as it was, after it was done we laid on the floor, in between our babies cribs and just smiled.  In just a few short months this room will hold our sweet twins.  This room will see lots of sleep deprivation, lots of poopy diapers and most importantly, lots of love and laughter.  Despite the pain in the ass that it was, it was a right of passage you never forget :)  We are hoping to get the changing table and glider in soon...I believe both require assembly.  Oh the joys of parenthood!

2010-a year in review

Goodness gracious, we're literally hours from ringing in a new year, where has the time gone???  I find myself having trouble recalling the little details of 2010, its literally zoomed by before my very eyes.  Its early here this morning M is still snoozing, the snow finally found us and is pounding every inch of Colorado today.  My little black dog is curled up with me in our favorite warm saddle blanket and we're listening to Priscilla Ahn sing "Dream" to us.  Sitting on the cusp of a new year-a new DECADE-possibilities seem endless, don't they?  The end of a year marks more than just that, its the start of something wonderful.  Its a fresh outlook with brand new eyes.  Its a clean slate.  At least, thats how I look at it.

Lets go backwards, shall we?

December

We celebrated the beauty of the birth of our Lord.  Christmas is a magical holiday for many reasons, I just love the joy it brings.

We got a Wii!  I know, last people on the planet to get one.  We hooked it up a few days ago, got rid of cable and have enjoyed Netflix and Wii ever since...plus its about 1/10 of the price of cable.  Can't beat saving $!

November

We got to go back to the homeland!!!  We primarily went for my Grandpa's 80th birthday celebration (so fun!), it was wonderful to see our family.  We also headed down to the southern part of the state to see M's family.  That was a blast as well, gosh we miss the homeland.  Planning a trip back next Oct for my mom's wedding!

M turned 28 and we celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary the next day!  We also found out in November that we were having a healthy Baby Boy and a healthy Baby Girl :)

October

Just your average every day October I guess.  Both my parents birthday's are in Oct and of course we carved some pumpkins :)  Pretty low key. 

M did compete in his first Crossfit Competition "Barbells for Boobs".  That was entertaining!  He didn't place,  but he did great!

September

Air Force Academy 9/11 game.  All the pomp and circumstance of regular AF games, with a great 9/11 tribute.  Its good to be an American!  Thanks Amanda for the tickets!

After the game I got my last up-close glimpse of the mountains.  My OB won't let me go up anymore.  All for good reason though!

August

We found out we were expecting!

Then we found out we were having TWINS!  This was a VERY early ultrasound 6w2d-our first one.  Aren't they beautiful?

July

July was lazy :)

I did get to go to the Daddy of Em' All-Cheyenne Frontier Days-Love!  I got to meet some amazing women and hang out with some that I already knew and loved, so fun :)  I'd post more pictures from Frontier Days, but since my blog is public, I'm not sure they'd appreciate their pictures all over the internet.  I'm courteous like that ;)  It was a blast and  I hope to get back this year.

Most people don't see the southern part of WY as anything to look at, I beg to differ.  I love the rolling plains and their sharp contrast to the Rockies.  Very serene.

See?  There's just something about this place that I love.

June

My dad and Nova came to visit!  They came in Sept also, but I don't have pictures from that trip.  We love visitors!  We went to the Train Museum in Golden and a festival in downtown Golden.  It was fun :)

My dad on the Rio Grande!

My birthday!!!

May

Last trip to Estes for 2010

Literally TOP of the Rockies, love it up there.

This wasn't even the tallest snowbank up there.  The visitor's center was literally hidden under the snow.  They dug it out with bulldozers and this was a part they had already dug out.  Crazy Colorado.

Last trip to Leadville, my favorite place on earth ;)

M at twin lakes, just heavenly

Oh Leadville, how I love thee.

This was waiting for us on the shore of Twin Lakes.  I love when I find other people's expressions of faith, makes the heart feel good!

Kristen and Troy's Jersey Shore party, got a little OC!

Last trip to Georgetown!  

M and Nellie enjoying Georgetown Lake, also a favorite spot

My fave time of day here.  When the sun sets over the mountains and glistens on the lake, so beautiful.

April

Estes in the SNOW!  

Standing on frozen Bear Lake

Love

M had never seen animals in our many visits to Estes.  This trip = JACKPOT!  We saw a moose too, but the pics sucked.

Knee deep snow on the lake

Also in April-we lived through tax season (!), I went to my friend Mel's baby shower in Cheyenne and later this month she and her hubby Matt welcomed their beautiful baby girl J!  I'd love to post pics of this sweet little angel, but their blog is private and I don't want to breech their privacy, but trust me when I say, she's a beauty!

January-March

This span of 2010 was a snowy, busy blur.  No pictures exist because it was a constant blizzard and I worked a lot for tax season.  I can't remember much from the beginning of 2010, so we'll call it good and sum up the worlds longest blog post ever, shall we?!

Tonight I'll be hanging out on the couch, trying to stay awake for the ball drop.  M has to work, but he promises me he'll be home to watch it with me and give me and the babies our New Year's kiss!  As 2010 closes, I say goodbye to a beautiful year.  A year when we saw enough of Colorado to last a lifetime, a year when we found out that the Lord had blessed with our hearts desire, a year that ends peacefully and beautifully.  A year for the record books.

My hopes for 2011 are endless.  This year I will become Mommy and watch my sweet husband and best friend become a Daddy.  I'll watch in awe as he meets his newborn twins for the very first time, falling head over heals in love with God's greatest blessings.  I'll take too many pictures of our babies and I'll soak in all the goodness that parenthood has to offer.  I'll never forget to thank God for his gift.  I'll smell my babies head's way too often-taking in that sweet, pure newborn scent.  I'll give them way too many kisses and fall more deeply in love with my husband, as I see him embrace the role of Daddy.  I have a feeling, love is about to take on a whole new meaning in our little corner of the world.  

This year, my parents become grandparents.  They'll see their legacy (times two) in the form of two little lives and spoil them rotten!  This year my little brother becomes an uncle.  This year my mom will marry her best friend.  This year is filled with goodness.  This year will bring new challenges and with new challenges come opportunities to learn.  I'm hoping to take life a bit slower and enjoy all the moments these next 12 months bring.  I'm hoping and praying that M also gets orders out of here this year-in the form of an Army commission.  They are long overdue :)  This year I wish the best for all my nearest and dearest.  I pray that all of you have a beautiful 2011, full of hope, health, love and laughter!  

Happy New Year!!!