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One year ago today, I saw this...

I thought I might be pg.  I decided to test at lunch.  By 10a I knew I'd never make it to lunch.  I hopped in my car and drove across the street to the super market across from work.  Yes, I could have walked, but there's no way I'd have gotten there fast enough to soothe my anxiety.  Bought the test and went directly into the middle stall in the bathroom at work.  I can still remember each and every one of those anxious waiting moments so vividly in my mind.

I did what the test called for (you're all intelligent, you know how these things work) and waited.  I laid the test on top of the toilet paper dispenser and didn't dare look at it.  I counted slowly in my head.  I couldn't watch my phone...it wasn't going fast enough.  My heart was pounding out of my chest.  About 30 seconds had passed, but it felt like hours.  I peeked.  Oh my f*cking goodness.  It said I was pregnant.  Very clearly for such a short amount of time.  You're supposed to wait 3 minutes for most of these.  It hadn't even been a minute yet and I saw this (above image).

I'd seen one other positive pregnancy test in my life and that ended in complete and utter heartbreak.  Could I get excited?  What if it was ectopic again?  I couldn't handle more heartbreak.  What should I do now?  Obviously, I realized I needed to alert the daddy :)  I took a pic on my phone (the image above) and texted it to M.  Ya I know, I suck, but I was so shocked I couldn't think clearly.  He didn't understand what he was looking at.  I told him he was going to be a dad.  He hasn't stopped smiling since.

A couple days later I went in for a blood test to confirm pregnancy.  My hormone (hcg) levels were high.  The first was 309 and two days later it was 643.  The nurse taking my blood told me that high hcg #'s usually (or at least sometimes could) indicated multiples.  I pretty much shrugged her off.  I knew someone was in there and growing fast.  That helped me relax a tad until our first ultrasound 2 weeks later.

Of course, you all know how this story plays out.  We found out the hcg was in fact indicative of twins and today we have 2 beautiful 4 and a half month olds-who are currently sleeping on me :)  After my ectopic loss in January 2009 I wasn't sure I'd ever get to be a mom.  That loss left me with a huge gaping hole.  My pg was not easy.  A high risk twin pg combined with the new found fears I had thanks to my traumatic loss, I wasn't about to relax.  When you've been in that 1% of unlucky (ectopic rupture-massive internal bleeding-emergency surgery), you learn that it does happen to someone.  You lose your innocence and you learn to question everything.

I made it through pregnancy, though not necessarily unscathed!  Now, to figure out this parenthood thing ;)  Thank goodness I have an amazing partner in crime and two very patient loving babies who cut us some slack as we all learn together.  Hard to believe one whole year has passed since that life changing day.  In that year, we had another life changing day.  3/22/11-birthday.  The day I learned what love really was.  Its amazing how powerful meeting your children for the first time really is.  You see your belly grow, you feel them kick and move, but seeing them, holding them.  The most amazing feeling in the world.  People tell you, but you just have to experience it to "get it".  I watched the hustle and bustle going on in the delivery room when they were born, but all I could see was them and its been that way ever since.

Maybe someday down the road I'll get to see this welcome sight again.  I'll get to write an entire blog filled with gushy, cliche' mom talk, buy too many baby clothes, dust off all our infant gear from the twins, decorate a nursery and fall in love all over again.