{Prematurity}

Today is World Prematurity Day.

My babies were technically born premature, what they call "late term" premature.  Thirty-six weeks is ONE week shy of full term for twins.  Though that's been up for debate.  Now they're saying its closer to 38 weeks for twins. 

After four weeks in the hospital, laying in a bed, all.day.long.  Delivery day came.  When I was admitted to the hospital at 32w, getting to 36w+ look like an impossibility.  My doctors expected my PIH/pre-eclampsia to take hold and that I'd quickly spiral downhill.  My blood pressure was labile (up & down), my 24 hour urine catches kept coming back better and better and my lab work looked perfect.  It wasn't until the beginning of my 36th week that things started to look really bad.

I prayed so hard for these babies.  I prayed even harder when I got pregnant with them.  I knew twin pregnancy was tough and full of complications and risks.  I so desperately wanted to get to the coveted 36th week.  Statistically, that's where premature babies have less risk for NICU time, lung/breathing issues and other various preemie scaries.  And lets be honest, not too many twin pregnancies get to 40 weeks.  So 36 weeks was the goal, anything further than that was bonus.

March 22, 2011.  I made it!  My doctors were just as shocked as I was.  They kept telling me what a wonderful, selfless thing I had done for my children.  To stay in bed for a month to try to give them more "inside" time just seemed like what I was supposed to be doing.  I can't imagine there's a mother out there who wouldn't do anything in the world for her children.  Bed rest was nothing.  I was just doing my job.

My babies were born healthy, but quickly started to let us know that they were in distress and, in fact, premature.  Many factors contributed to their NICU stay-which I had been praying so hard to avoid.  Fancy spent 12 days in the NICU and Coach spent 19 looong days there.  Each and every day was heartbreaking.  The first days were the toughest days of my life.

Regardless of how much preparation you have, the NICU is a battle zone no parent can prepare for.  My babies were lucky, in that they never fought for their lives.  So many babies do though.  There's just nothing more heartbreaking than seeing your child(ren) struggling.  In our case, the babies had multiple IV's, a variety of different breathing apparatus' and multiple probes tracking oxygen levels heart rate.  Our babies were just the very tip of the preemie iceberg.  I can't imagine what some parents go through.

I could write so much about the emotions and the rollercoaster that parents of sick children are on.  Its a terribly lonely place.  No parent should have to see their child hurt.  Everyday we spent 12+ hours just sitting next to their beds.  We only left when they made us.  Everyday I cried.  I cried in the shower, I cried on the way to the NICU, I cried when we had to leave and I cried most evenings.  The only time I didn't cry was when I was holding my babies.

I was supposed to change every diaper, feed every meal, soothe every cry.  Because they were premature, I had to leave my children in the care of the NICU staff.  As completely profoundly amazing as they were, it broke my heart into pieces every.single.day.

With the love, encouragement and care of best NICU staff in the world, my babies got healthy.  And then, one day, they were strong enough to come home!

Some pictures of the difficult days...

Sweet baby girl on the cpap-birth day

 

Coach just minutes after birth-before he started having breathing issues.  Notice the IV already in his little hand :(-birth day

 

Fancy off the cpap (temporarily, she went back on), but still with an IV in her head-2 days old

Coach right after he got off the ventilator.  He looks so sick :(  Another head IV-3 days old

Baby girl and her daddy bonding-1 day old

Coach the day after coming off the vent-4 days old

I have ONE picture of Coach on the vent.  I took with with my iphone and to this day, I can't look at it.  His 2 days on the vent were the worst of my life.  My son wanted his mother.  He wanted to be loved on and comforted and I couldn't.  As I write this, tears are falling.  Even 8 months later, I can still feel the pain of watching my son cry with no sound.  Watching him struggle against the machine in vain.  The guilt I feel is incredible.  My body couldn't quite hold them long enough.  I failed.  Watching Coach get sicker and sicker was just testament to that.  They figured out the culprit and he got better quickly and caught up to his sister in no time.  

And NOW...!

Beautiful, happy, HEALTHY, perfect babies!  I'm so incredibly thankful for them.  I'm in awe of them.  They're amazing and I'll spend every day for the rest of eternity letting them know that.  The day they were born I began to live for them.  My heart beat for them.  Love seems like such a small word for what I feel for them.  Its incredible how quickly and completely a mother falls in love with her children.  Its incredible and I'm so thankful that I get be their momma!  

We were interviewed about our NICU journey and our interview is featured on the hospital birthplace website where I delivered.  We're also the brochure for the birthplace!!!  Here's a link to hear us talk a little about our birth and NICU stay LINK.  (Yes, I'm terribly embarassed about all the squinting and "umming" I'm doing in this video.  Holy accent!  I look awful, but its not about me, so I posted it).  Enjoy!

{six months!}

At 11:44a and 11:45a my babies will be six months old.  Yes, Coach will be older for a smidge less than one minute.  I think that teeny little minute will be the cause of some major fights later on.  For now, its just a minute.  Just a brief measure of time.  I can tell you in the delivery room, that minute was non-existent.  Coach came out and Fancy was right behind him, raring to meet the world. 

Oh I love them. 

Last night we got our oil changed for our big trip-and two new tires.  I hate you Denver.  That's neithere here nor there.  We were talking to a Major in the Army.  He, of course, asked about the twins and told us he had a 3 month old baby girl, Alexa.  Fancy was laying on the charm.  She was batting her blonde lashes at him and flirting like CRAZY!  We're gonna have to watch out for this little lady.  Coach, on the other hand, was more interested in daddy.

They both have started to pull our faces to them.  I think that's their way of showing affection.  I asked Coach for a kiss last night and he pulled my face to him and opened his mouth (baby kisses).  Probably a cooincidence, but precious nonetheless.  They love grabbing noses and sticking their hands in our mouthes.  They're favorite is pulling hair. 

They've both started to get on their hands and knees.  They're not sure what to do once they're up, but its a start!  They're REALLY expressive and their personalities are just amazing.  Coach, our once quiet little man, is ob.nox.ious.  He's always gabbing screeching and loves to laugh.  Daddy is his source of laughter usually, so when he sees daddy he thinks its time to play.  If M doesn't pick him up and play with him, he gets all in a tizzy.  Its pretty funny.

They love kisses and rasberries, they love eating and putting anything and everything in their mouths.  They love touching things.  They're noticing textures and colors.  They love to be held, but they're starting to wiggle around like they want to be put down occassionally.  They like cartoons-yes, they watch about 20 minutes of a disney movie everyday so we can get the house picked up.  They love music and when we sing, they start to flap their arms and get really smiley.  I think they are starting to understand the concept of dancing.

Fancy is a FLIRT, as evidenced above.  She's bashful, but its all an act.  She's also really chatty and screaming/screeching is her favorite thing ever.  They both love their play stations and they love to "stand" (we hold their hands).  They're starting to be able to sit, assisted and for a few minutes, unassisted.  Basically, they're growing at break neck speed :) 

I thought I'd miss the newborn stage more than I do.  I loved it, but I'm really enjoying every stage.  The newborn stage is full of exhaustion, fear, learning, worry, etc.  Lots of great things too, but the worry of those first few months can be overwhelming.  I still worry, believe me, I worry a lot.  Its a mom thing that you never shake, BUT, I'm getting my bearings as a mom.  I know their habits.  I know their cries.  I feel a little more confident about things.  I'm learning!

I miss the itty bitty babies we snuggled 6 months ago, but this age is such a blast!  Their personalities just make life wonderful.  They giggle and smile and "talk".  They give hugs and snuggles and love bath time.  At night, just as we're rocking them to sleep, we get a little glimpse of a time gone by.  For just a few minutes, they're snuggled in our arms, just like the old days :)  

I promise I'll take and post some pics soon.  We're leaving for a big trip tonight and we're flitting around trying to get all the loose ends tied up.  Hopefully I'll have a second or two right before we leave to get some posted. 

Happy 6 monthday to the most amazingly beautiful creatures I've ever seen.  I love you so much.

{to the moon and back}

Six months ago today, I was preparing for the biggest role of my life. 

My CNA, Sarah, drew a calendar on the white board in my hospital room.  It was the month of March and she drew a HUGE circle around March 22nd.  The calendar was called "Countdown to Coach & Fancy!".  By that point in my stay, the nurses were like family.  The very familiar nurses would come check on me even if they weren't assigned to me.  That week, I got to share our good news!  We'd FINALLY be meeting these babies! 

They'd seen me through some of my darkest days.  They cheered me on and cheered me up when I needed it.  They learned my babies quirks-Coach ALWAYS had the hiccups and Fancy liked to roll into a ball under my ribs and stick her butt out.  They knew where each baby "hid out" for NST's and they became pro's at knowing who was who...which is tough when its not your belly! 

March 21st, the day before I gave birth, was a day full of so many emotions.  I remember being absolutely petrified and absolutely happy all at the same time.  We stood on the edge of oblivion, not sure how our lives would look in 24 hours.  I took it all in.  The last moments as just the two of us.  The last kicks.  The last few hours of inside babies. 

Reminiscing is bitersweet.  I love that my babies are here and wonderfully beautiful and healthy.  I can't tell you what a joy they are.  But, there's just something magical about being pregnant.  Growing your child(ren), nourishing their bodies.  Watching them grow as you grew.  It was just the three of us in one body for so long.  Now I had to prepare to share them with the world.  It was hard. 

Oh what a day!  Tomorrow we celebrate six months of life.  Six months of love.  Six months of learning.  Six months of milestones.  Six months of absolute and complete adoration.  I've been a Momma for six months.  SIX!  Its been the hardest, but undeniably the best six months of my life.  They are my heart.  They are my soul.  My love for them is undescribable.  To the moon and back is what we tell them, we love you to the moon and back.  And we do :)

My son is a musical genius

I was listening to Billy Joel-specifically Lullaby and I was holding both screaming babies (hey, its the reality of having twins!).  I turned the music way up and started belting the lyrics, I was willing to try anything at this point. About two lines in, {A} had fallen asleep (she likes loud noise) and {M} was staring at me, completely captivated.  We sat there for hours and I sang to him.  The entire time he looked right into my eyes, watched my mouth move and started to coo and emulate the movements my mouth was making.  It was so stinking fun!

I turned the music off, he started fussing.  I turned iTunes back on to Israel Kamakawiwo'ole (Somewhere Over The Rainbow), he stopped fussing and started smiling.  They are six weeks old today, so smiling on demand like that is pretty rare.  We're *so* close, but not quite there yet.  I'm pumped that his first real grin was to a classic like Somewhere Over The Rainbow, especially since The Wizard of Oz is his daddy's favorite movie.

As it turns out, {M} also loves Michael Jackson, Bob Dylan, James Taylor, Johnny Cash, Elton John and Elvis.  He's got great taste ;)  Poor little {A} doesn't seem to have the same appreciation that her brother does.  I'm not too worried just yet, after all, they're only a month and a half old.

Its really amazing to watch these little people grow and learn.  Six short weeks ago (almost exactly to the minute) they made me a mom.  11:44am and 11:45am on 3/22/11 were the two happiest moments of my life.  Seeing their little faces after 9 months of wondering what they'd look like was just amazing.  I really don't think an adequate word exists to capture the feeling of seeing your child(ren) for the first time.

Not only are they the most beautiful children in the world, they look like US.  That was one of the biggest shocks of that day.  I mean, obviously, you know they'll resemble you, but seeing my face on my son's tiny little body was just crazy.  My daughter is the spitting damn image of her daddy.  I love that :)  I could go on for days about who has who's features (you'll do this too when your babies come, trust me!), but you probably don't care.

I love watching their personalities develop.  {A} is *just* like me.  She's sassy and impatient.  She's intense and loud.  She fights sleep like a mother effer and she can go from calm, cool and collected to freak out mode in milliseconds.  She's smart, she loves to eat, she LOVES to be held, she likes snuggling with her brother, she's really good at head/neck control (something we're still working on with {M}) and she's absolutely beautiful.  She likes her hair bows (mostly), I put one on her everyday so she'll get used to them.  She has the longest eyelashes I've ever seen on a 6 week old.  They curl up just like mine.  Her hair is strawberry blonde and her eyes are HUGE and very light.  We are almost positive they'll stay blue.  *fingers crossed*

{M} is exactly like his daddy.  He's mellow.  He's quiet.  He's long and skinny.  He's got lots of dark hair that has just a touch of blonde undertone.  His eyes are darker, we think they'll be hazel like mine, but I'm holding out hope for green.  He's got the most luscious lips I've ever seen on a child.  He looks a lot like my dad and brother.  He's a great sleeper.  He snuggles right into your chest.  He's also completely gorgeous.  I cannot get enough of their little faces.  We oohh and ahh over every expression/noise and kiss every inch of their faces.  Every I guess you could say we're obsessed with our kids.  I'm totally digging every.single.second of this momma thing ;)

Due date

Today was officially the babies due date!  Hard to believe they will be 4 weeks old tomorrow.  Time is flying!  As I type this, I have the two most beautiful babies sleeping on me.  God is good :)

Here's where it all began.  08.09.10

  

Our first glimpse into the rest of our lives.  {M} is on the right and {A} is on the left.  Shock of a lifetime!

These were taken with my iphone, sorry for the crap quality.  This is baby M @ 12 weeks with his little hands covering his face.  He still does this.  You can see baby A up there on the right.

Another from 12w.  we have a video of this u/s and they are swimming around, its darling.  Here are both babies again.  You can even make out little M's facial features and A's profile.

First belly pic-18w.  Finally starting to look pregnant!

Hanging out, getting ready to deliver!

Baby M - 3.22.2011 11:44a 4lb 15oz 18.5in

Baby A - 3.22.2011 5lb 2oz 18in

And today :)  My cup runneth over.

Love.

Because I'm feeling brave

I'm going to post my last pregnant picture.  I look bloated and well pretty much horrible, but look at that belly!  This picture was taken a couple minutes before I walked into the OR to deliver my sweet babies.  I was looking at this picture, trying to remember what I felt like in that moment.  I was terrified, anxious, excited and oh so ready to meet my beautiful children.  The children I've waited a lifetime for.  Not even 30 minutes later, my son and daughter came screaming into the world, changing my life forever.  Without further adieu...

Even now, only 4 weeks out, I can't believe I carried around that big ole belly.  It wasn't comfortable, thats for sure.  I'd do it again in a heartbeat ;)  Little Miss A just dropped a stanky bomb, I better take care of that!  Have a great Sunday!

*3-22-11*

BIRTHDAY!

At 11:44am  (Mtn time), our beautiful son, Michael Gage came raring into this world at a cool 4lbs 15oz 18.5in long!  Beautiful doesn't even cover it.  He looks JUST like his daddy and has a head full of dark hair!  Instantly I new what real love was.  His beautiful sister, Annabel Paige, followed at 11:45am at a hefty 5lbs 2oz 18in long.  Sassy and feisty as all get out, this little blonde stole our hearts just as quickly.  They say she looks like me :)  She has a precious halo of blonde hair, just like her daddy did when he was born.  Genetics are a quirky think!

Since both babies were considered premature, it wasn't beyond the realm of possibilities to expect them to need some breathing support.  And they did/do.  As of last night, Michael was doing well on a vent and Annabel was a rockstar on a high power nasal canula.  Today could bring good news or bad, but yesterday's roller coaster has taught me that with prematurity, expect nothing until you see it.  Right after birth, both babies were handling room air perfectly.  Around 5 hours after birth they started showing signs of respiratory distress (immature lungs), so we watched as the wonderful NICU staff got them going on their various breathing treatments.  Its hard to watch the two very reasons for my existence go through pain without M or I to be able to hold them.  We stand by their cribs and kiss them, stroke their eerily familiar arms, legs, toes and noses, we rub their perfectly round heads and we tell them endlessly how much we love them.

We've been able to hold both, depending on their level of issues.  We got to feed Michael twice the day he was born and then he went on a CPAP and is getting IV nutrition.  Annabel was worse right out of the gate, but she is improving so much now.  As of last night she was only on a high powered nasal canula.  Go baby girl go!  We knew they were early, we knew they could have breathing issues (which in the scheme of things is minor), but its still hard.  I want to be the momma I've been itching to be for the last 27 years.  Soon enough :)  As soon as they are well and can come home, I'm sure they'll rock my world in all the right ways!  As of last night, both babes are doing great and we hope to slowly ween them off of their breathing support.

Please keep our twins in your prayers.

No for some pictures!

Right before they were born.  Please ignore my ginormous pregnant, swollen face, hands and feet.

First family pic!  Daddy has Annabel and Michael is closest to my face.  I love this picture.  Can you see the love in M's eyes?  He changed forever that day.  Seeing him become a daddy was by far and away on of the most incredible experiences of my life.  He never leaves those babies sides.  He has a special way of comforting them when they need a familiar voice and the love he's got for them is indescribable.  In fact, love doesn't even begin to cover it.

Love all that rich dark hair :)

Sweet Michael.  Spitting image of daddy :)

Annabel on the CPAP.  She hated this.

Annabel off the CPAP!  Lets hope she stays off, Momma and Daddy love kissing every inch of that perfectly blonde head.  The NICU nurse put a bow in her hair last night.  She's such a diva ;)

Daddy changing Baby Boy's diaper.

Daddy loving on his sweet Baby Girl.

So there you go, the two most amazing babies in this world just made M and I more happy than words can even express.  I find myself not having the vocabulary to accurately convey my hearts words.  I feel so blessed to have found the most wonderful man in the world, who makes (as it turns out) the best daddy I've ever seen.  I feel blessed to be their Momma.  They are perfect in every way and more beautiful than I could have ever imagined.  Thanks for all your kind thoughts, prayers, wishes, etc.  We are so grateful to have amazing family and friends.  

Signing off,

The New Momma ;)  

Oh and prayers are ABSOLUTELY still needed to get them well and home safely.  We'll keep you all updated.  Thank you for your support and love!