{//}

Two years ago today I saw two lines. 

We had just completed our first IVF cycle and I was a basket case. 

I still had 2 days until my clinic pregnancy test and I was so sure it didn't work.  I had the tell tale cramping and I was beisde myself. 

I was at work and not getting anything done. 

I decided I needed to know.  I just needed to put myself out of my misery so I could move on. 

I knew I'd be sad, but I needed to know. 

I popped out of the office around 9:30am and went to the grocery store around the corner. 

My hands were shaking as I tried to decide on which test to buy.

Eenie meenie miny mo.  Picked one, bought it and practically ran out the door. 

I got back to my building, rode the elevator for 9 agonizing floors and whipped into the bathroom on our floor.  I was practically dry heaving at this point.  One of the most intense moments in my life. 

I did what I needed to do and set the test up on the ledge of the toilet paper holder. 

I couldn't bear to watch it to see if I a line would appear. 

I looked at the floor for what seemed like an eternity.  I couted slowly in my head thinking I could count to two minutes.  Ha! 

After about 15 seconds I looked.  My heart practically pounded out of my chest as I was struck dumb.  It was positive.  It worked.  Oh my gosh, now what? 

Oh ya, I had to tell the daddy.  I planned on finding out WITH him or at least planning something memorable.  Instead, I texted him the picture above. 

The Daddy:  "So, what does this mean?"

Me:  "It means you're going to be a daddy!"

TD:  ":) :) :)"

I called him and we had a quick little chat.  Both of us were pretty much speechless.  We celebrated that night when we got off work and then we waited.  Waited for our pg test at the clinic.  Waited for our first OB visit.  Waited for them to get here. 

8/9/10 was one of the biggest and most incredible days of my life, its just crazy that its already been two years! 

{Two years ago...}

The daddy and I were in the midst of our first (and only so far) IVF cycle.  We didn't tell ANYONE that we were cycling.  No one knew anything until we were 8w pregnant with the twins.  My retrieval was July 28, 2010 and at this point (2 years ago) I was recovering (painfully) and awaiting my daily embryo report.  I don't think any of our family has even heard this story.  Here goes nothing!

I have only one ovary thanks to a benign tumor when I was 19.  I lost my remaining fallopian tube to an ectopic pregnancy that ended in a scary rupture, massive internal bleeding and emergency surgery on Jan 20, 2009. 

So two years ago we began our quest to have a baby.  July 3, 2010 was my first lupron shot.  Here's an excerpt from my private IVF blog entry that day:

The Daddy (name changed for public blog) *just* administered my first Lupron shot! It was painless and we are both sitting here smiling like fools :) I hope thats a good sign! We're excited for what is to come and even more excited that we are one step closer to meeting our baby(ies) next year.

So on July 12, 2010 I had my first monitoring appointment.  Basically, bloodwork to see how my body was responding to the protocol and an ultrasound of my ovary to see how my follicles were developing.  Here is an excerpt from that first monitoring appointment:

So I had my first monitoring appointment since starting Lupron. Dr. Smith said my ovary looked "perfect, just sitting-in the right spot-there waiting to produce a lot of eggs!" Go ovary go! She also had a talk with my little rockstar and made sure ovary knew that since she had been deserted (by leftie) we needed her to work double time. According to the twinges in my lower abdomen, I'd say she's ready to rock this!!!

I just got a call back on my estrogen. Its at a 44 and "right where we want it" according to my sweet IVF nurse Lucinda. The Lurpon is meant to "supress" the pituitary gland and "turn off" the flow of estrogen to the ovary so I don't ovulate. Apparently this helps build up a lot of folicles and eggs. I start stims (Bravelle, Menopur) on Friday. They are a tricky mix, I am praying I took good notes and can remember how. Lucinda is just a phone call away though, so that makes me feel better.
Things were ramping up!  That was the easy part, thank goodness I didn't know that when I was going through it.  On July 16, 2010 I started stims.  Aka, the heavy shit.  This is an emotional entry for me, but I think its valid to include. 

So tonight, we start stims! OMG in like 10 days I could be in retrieval :/

I'm excited that its going so fast. Its sort of overwhelming, but we've been waiting for this for over a year now. Its a good anxious. I'm ready to see those two pink/blue lines on the pregnancy test. Its time for this/these blessing(s) to be conceived. I'm doing well with the gravity of the situation. I mean the shots are super easy to handle, the ultrasounds are a cinch and the blood draws aren't too bad. Every once in a while I do think "what if it doesn't work?" I hate that.

My sweet husband hugs me, wipes my tears and reminds me that it WILL work. I'm young, healthy and have really good labs. Plus (and this is the best part) God loves me and wants to see me happy. I'm so thankful for His love. I can't wait to tell this/these baby(ies) all about our Lord and Savior! I can't wait to read them stories and tell them about the Bible.

The mixing part for the stims is intense! I start with a water and 2 Menopur and 2 Bravelle. I mix the water with one powder and then go down the line. Lucinda (IVF nurse) tells me this is a hefty dose and we might be able to pull back a bit on it. Monday I have my first labs on stims. I'm praying so hard that I respond like I'm supposed to. Come one rock star ovary! You can totally do this! You produce lots of mature GOOD eggs, get me pregnant and I'll leave you alone forever :)

I am still on Lupron too. I should be on that until they tell me to stop...I guess the same goes for the Men and Brav. This is ridiculously exciting, ! 

I'll probably update a lot this week. Its a BIG week! Appts on Mon, Wed and Sat. Sat we should know when I will go to retrieval. Omg.  We are making life. We are conceiving a child or children.   I'm blessed to be able to do this.
I'm so glad I blogged, I would have forgotten how I felt each step of the way.  I admire how excited and confident I was.  This would fade as the cycle went on and as the anxiety of the two week wait overtook me.  This whole process is very fast, but VERY emotional.  Here's an entry from 7/17/10 that speaks to that side of things:

So I started menopur/bravelle last night. Today, I was flipping through the channels and I landed briefly on lockdown: maricopa county. A woman was visiting with her three small children and it was time to say goodbye. I couldn't hold back the waterworks. I hid them from the daddy (name changed for public blog) though. He knows that these are all emotion inducing drugs, but I was so embarassed, I couldn't let him see. 

Along with the emotions, I'm also experiencing an increase in anxiety. A nasty side effect of Bravelle. Nice. An already high strung girl (me)+a stressful sitch like IVF+Lupron+Menopur+Bravelle=a monster! Lupron wasn't bad by itself, but add in the others and I'm a mess. Plus, the needle is bigger for Menopur and Bravelle, so my belly is sore :(

Its crazy to think, theoretically, in about 10 days or less I'll be going in for my egg retrieval, 3-5 days after that, they will transfer my babies back into my womb so they can implant and groooooooooooow! Just amazing!

In the office, during the cycle, you encounter couples travelling on this journey to parenthood with you.  Some are just starting the process to find out why they aren't pregnant.  Some are just finding out the results of their cycle.  You see tears of joy and of despair.  Its intense.  Here's an entry from 7/19/10 entitled "A Post About Hope":

So today I go in for my blood draw to see where my levels are and I'm sitting there in the flobotomy (sp?) chair and I see a couple. This couple had just come out of the u/s exam room. There were tears, hugs and talk of a precious little heartbeat. I was so incredibly happy for them! They had just gotten to see their new little life on the u/s machine! Oh was joy a little flickering heart brings :)

I was so happy, when I got to the car I called The Daddy (name changed for public blog) and I cried happy tears for this couple. I cried happy tears for us too. We'll be there in a few short weeks! Lord please bless us, as you've blessed them.

Also, as I waited in the waiting room, I spotted an article. This article was about anxiety. It stated that recent studies show, anxiety and depression have little to do with IVF success rates! That makes me feel so much better. I'm anxious AND worried about how my anxiety will effect my growing ovary, eggies and uterine lining. I think I can let go of some of that worry now. Thank goodness!

Another major aspect of this process is cost.  Some people are blessed to have insurance to cover either the whole cycle or at least some of it.  Being military, we don't get much coverage for fertility treatments.  Tricare covers testing and and some meds.  That's it.  Here's a post from my cycle about cost:

They called about paying for icsi today. Eeek. This is costing sooooo much. I already wrote a ck for $10,900 for ivf and the cost of freezing any leftover babies...if we have them ($1500), plus meds (around $1500). THEN we decided to do icsi ($1800) and we have to get more meds. PLUS the $400 anesthesia fee. I'm starting to freak a little.

Its daunting.  Thankfully, we were prepared on that front. 

On 7/25/10, so close to retrival!, my estrogen started to spike.  If it gets over 5000 they want to retrieve and freesze the embryos because the chances of OHSS is too high and chances of pg plumet.  I was pretty upset to find out my estrogen was 3900 and climbing. 

So I had another great appointment this morning. Eggs are almost ready for retrieval!!! There are 17 "measurable" eggs and 33 total. WOW! She said that my ovary is putting people with two ovaries to shame. Keep up the good work rockstar! She even used the word "unbelievable" when talking about how good my eggs/ovary looked. We'll take that!!!

My estrogen was 3900. If it gets over 5000 the chances of pregnancy are reduced. Shit. To come this far and do this well only to find out a problem now is making me really scared. I just did the lupron shot tonight. No Menopur/Bravelle/Gonal F at all. They are going to coast me to see if I can maintain the levels I'm at while still getting the eggs a teensy bit bigger. Not gonna lie, I'm scared. I never thought this was going to be an easy path to pregnancy, but it sucks when you face a setback. We haven't faced a setback yet, and I'm faithful that the Lord will take care of us, but its still scary.

Gosh, reading this, I wish I could go back and bottle that cofidence and courage.  We started gearing up for retrieval and my posts get a little frantic :)  On 7/26/10 I got the news that my lining was perfect at 14 and had the triple band (which is good apparently) and that my estrogen had dropped to 3400, thanks to all the "coasting".  We started to believe that this could work.  A dangerous game. 

I really can't believe I'm here. I mean 12/2008 to now feels like a lifetime. Don't worry, I'm not giving my victory speech yet ;) I'm going to wait until we see a/some heartbeats. I'm letting go a little bit more with each "victory" and I'm allowing myself a teensy bit of excitement. I know everything can change rapidly, which is why I'm so cautious, but as I've said before, God has given us cause to celebrate so we will!

At 10:15pm on 7/26/10 the daddy gave me the HCG trigger shot.  That was a LARGE needle. 

I was seriously dreading this shot. Like, since the beginning of the cycle. The needle is SUPER long and 27 and a 1/2 gauge. Up until the second the daddy (name changed for public blog) put it in I was ready to cry. I mixed the 1cc water with the 10,000 units of powder and sucked it all up into the massive syringe. I flicked it gingerly, so as to get all the bubbles out. I stared at it. I feared it.  The daddy alerted me that it was 10:15pm. Time for the shot. Eeeek. I almost lost my dinner. I pointed to the spot he needed to shoot for, bent over the sink and braced myself for agony. 

I asked, Is there blood? He said nope. I said, did you get it all the way in? He said, yep, all done. Whaaaaaa? Done? I didn't even feel anything. Are you SURE? Yep, he was sure. He pulled the needle close to my face and showed me how far he plunged into my back side. Then he showed me how far he pulled it out to see if there was blood. Then he said he plunged in the meds and that was it. Huh. That WAS it. Remarkable.

After that, the fear set in.  Up until this point it had all been minor (so to speak) preparation for the big show.  The big show was here and I was scared. 

7/27/10
Oh tomorrow can't come soon enough...honestly, its scary that its so close. I'm nervous about the iv, I'm nervous that for some odd reason the hcg shot will not have worked or worked too fast and I already ovulated, I'm nervous I will FEEL the procedure, I'm nervous there will be no sperm, I'm nervous about fertilization and about the pain after the procedure. Basically, I'm a big ball of nerves :( My heart tells me that my fears are silly, but my over active mind keeps telling me "what if?"   I'm just plain scared, to be honest. I know I'm in good hands and I know that this is a so worth it. I'm standing on the edge waiting. Praying for good, aware of the bad and needing to cling to hope.

Then it was retrieval day.  July 28, 2010.  I didn't update my blog until the day after retrieval because I was in a lot of pain, very sleepy and our AC went out.  I remember the ride home from the clinic being the worst pain I've ever been in.  I was however so excited to have that behind me!  Here's my update from that day:

Retrieval was yesterday. It was rough! But they got 20 eggs!!! I didn't feel anything but woke up in some pain. When I got home I slept and was in pretty serious pain all day and a lot of the night. It hurt to do everything. Peeing was excruciating. Today is a much better day :). I woke up feeling tons better (still sore). I took my miriad of meds and waited for the embryologist to call.

David (embryologist) called just moments ago. He explained that they icsi'd 15 of the eggs and let 5 naturally fertilize. Of the icsi'd eggs, 10 fertilized. Of the natural, 4 fertilized. So we have 14 beautiful embryos!!! David thinks we'll do a 5 day transfer. So Monday ;). I just pray that our babies keep growing big and strong! 

We don't know which embroy's were the 5 natural and which were the 15 ICSI.  They could have been the ones that arrested or the 5 that became our twins and the frozen embies.  No way to know.  After retrieval I rested and anxiously awaited transfer day.  We got daily updates from David (embryologist) and hoped for the best. 

7/30/10
I got the call from David a little earlier, all the embies have divided again. Thats good news! He said there are 7 that look perfect, 5 (ish) that look pretty good and a handful that look bad. He said thats the way it is with ivf, everyday some pull ahead and some die. Apparently we're right on track though! I just pray that they keep growing and dividing.

On 8/2/10 we went in to put our babies back where they belong and to say "see you soon" to the 3 others waiting for a chance at life.  We got this picture:

And a heart full of hope. 

You know how this story ends :)

We don't know who was who from the embryo picture.  I looked at that picture everyday for two weeks.  It was on our fridge for the entire pregnancy, eventually joined by the pregnancy test (ya gross) and tons of ultrasound pictures. 

I'll add more from the blog as our two year anniversary continues.  Things to look forward to reading:  the two week wait (holy crazy!), finding out that it was successful and early pregnancy. 

Happy Tuesday!

{Prematurity}

Today is World Prematurity Day.

My babies were technically born premature, what they call "late term" premature.  Thirty-six weeks is ONE week shy of full term for twins.  Though that's been up for debate.  Now they're saying its closer to 38 weeks for twins. 

After four weeks in the hospital, laying in a bed, all.day.long.  Delivery day came.  When I was admitted to the hospital at 32w, getting to 36w+ look like an impossibility.  My doctors expected my PIH/pre-eclampsia to take hold and that I'd quickly spiral downhill.  My blood pressure was labile (up & down), my 24 hour urine catches kept coming back better and better and my lab work looked perfect.  It wasn't until the beginning of my 36th week that things started to look really bad.

I prayed so hard for these babies.  I prayed even harder when I got pregnant with them.  I knew twin pregnancy was tough and full of complications and risks.  I so desperately wanted to get to the coveted 36th week.  Statistically, that's where premature babies have less risk for NICU time, lung/breathing issues and other various preemie scaries.  And lets be honest, not too many twin pregnancies get to 40 weeks.  So 36 weeks was the goal, anything further than that was bonus.

March 22, 2011.  I made it!  My doctors were just as shocked as I was.  They kept telling me what a wonderful, selfless thing I had done for my children.  To stay in bed for a month to try to give them more "inside" time just seemed like what I was supposed to be doing.  I can't imagine there's a mother out there who wouldn't do anything in the world for her children.  Bed rest was nothing.  I was just doing my job.

My babies were born healthy, but quickly started to let us know that they were in distress and, in fact, premature.  Many factors contributed to their NICU stay-which I had been praying so hard to avoid.  Fancy spent 12 days in the NICU and Coach spent 19 looong days there.  Each and every day was heartbreaking.  The first days were the toughest days of my life.

Regardless of how much preparation you have, the NICU is a battle zone no parent can prepare for.  My babies were lucky, in that they never fought for their lives.  So many babies do though.  There's just nothing more heartbreaking than seeing your child(ren) struggling.  In our case, the babies had multiple IV's, a variety of different breathing apparatus' and multiple probes tracking oxygen levels heart rate.  Our babies were just the very tip of the preemie iceberg.  I can't imagine what some parents go through.

I could write so much about the emotions and the rollercoaster that parents of sick children are on.  Its a terribly lonely place.  No parent should have to see their child hurt.  Everyday we spent 12+ hours just sitting next to their beds.  We only left when they made us.  Everyday I cried.  I cried in the shower, I cried on the way to the NICU, I cried when we had to leave and I cried most evenings.  The only time I didn't cry was when I was holding my babies.

I was supposed to change every diaper, feed every meal, soothe every cry.  Because they were premature, I had to leave my children in the care of the NICU staff.  As completely profoundly amazing as they were, it broke my heart into pieces every.single.day.

With the love, encouragement and care of best NICU staff in the world, my babies got healthy.  And then, one day, they were strong enough to come home!

Some pictures of the difficult days...

Sweet baby girl on the cpap-birth day

 

Coach just minutes after birth-before he started having breathing issues.  Notice the IV already in his little hand :(-birth day

 

Fancy off the cpap (temporarily, she went back on), but still with an IV in her head-2 days old

Coach right after he got off the ventilator.  He looks so sick :(  Another head IV-3 days old

Baby girl and her daddy bonding-1 day old

Coach the day after coming off the vent-4 days old

I have ONE picture of Coach on the vent.  I took with with my iphone and to this day, I can't look at it.  His 2 days on the vent were the worst of my life.  My son wanted his mother.  He wanted to be loved on and comforted and I couldn't.  As I write this, tears are falling.  Even 8 months later, I can still feel the pain of watching my son cry with no sound.  Watching him struggle against the machine in vain.  The guilt I feel is incredible.  My body couldn't quite hold them long enough.  I failed.  Watching Coach get sicker and sicker was just testament to that.  They figured out the culprit and he got better quickly and caught up to his sister in no time.  

And NOW...!

Beautiful, happy, HEALTHY, perfect babies!  I'm so incredibly thankful for them.  I'm in awe of them.  They're amazing and I'll spend every day for the rest of eternity letting them know that.  The day they were born I began to live for them.  My heart beat for them.  Love seems like such a small word for what I feel for them.  Its incredible how quickly and completely a mother falls in love with her children.  Its incredible and I'm so thankful that I get be their momma!  

We were interviewed about our NICU journey and our interview is featured on the hospital birthplace website where I delivered.  We're also the brochure for the birthplace!!!  Here's a link to hear us talk a little about our birth and NICU stay LINK.  (Yes, I'm terribly embarassed about all the squinting and "umming" I'm doing in this video.  Holy accent!  I look awful, but its not about me, so I posted it).  Enjoy!

[Mariah & me]

from people.com

Mariah and I were pregnant with b/g twins together.  She delivered a little over a month after me in late April (April 30th I believe).  She lost SEVENTY pounds.  Wanna know how much I've lost?  Zero.  Zilch.  In fact, I've put on weight.  I gained 25lbs with my pregnancy and immediately lost that once the babies, placentas, fluid, etc were delivered.  While they were in the NICU, I lost even more.  Eating wasn't a priority when my sweeties were fighting to breathe and gain weight.  It didn't help that I was dealing with some of the worst baby blues many of my dr's nurses had ever seen.  

After their birth I ate.  And ate.  And ATE.  I don't know when, but at some point it got out of control.  Here we are 7 months later and probably (at least?) 20lbs above my pre-pregnancy weight.  Well Mariah, you've inspired me to get back on the proverbial bicycle.  If you can be 40+ and look that good after a difficult twin pregnancy, surely my 28 year old self can...right?  RIGHT!

I feel yucky, unhealthy, gross.  Its time for a change.  My plan is to document it here.  Wish me luck!!!