Another post full of negativity and cursing, you've been warned.
I've reached the end of my rope. I feel like I have a big "assholes this way" sign on my back. I've run into quite possibly every single mean spirited, nasty person in the entire state, in the last couple days. Its the Most Wonderful Time of the Year so why are people being so fucking mean? Isn't Christmas supposed to incite happiness and joy in all our hearts? The spirit of Christmas totally skipped over Denver.
Last night I was getting gas on my way home from work, it was snowy and cold. Freezing. I see an old homeless man, barely able to walk with his cane, digging food out of the trash. He had a wind breaker on and not much else. My heart broke into a million pieces. I had a backseat full of baby blankets I could have given him to keep him warm. I had a $20 bill in my wallet that would have gotten him several meals. After I was done pumping gas I got in my warm car and pulled out of the parking lot without helping him. Why? I don't know. I had M's big fluffy coat in the back seat, we could have just bought another one. Why didn't I help him? Why?
Not even 10 minutes later I was sitting at a stop light waiting
not so patiently for the light to turn. The guy crossing the street (in the freezing snow) was slow getting across b/c of the weather. The first car in line when the light turned revved their engine and had the nerve to honk and charge him-a pedestrian, to urge him to go a little faster. What the fuck? Where's the compassion? The poor guy was just trying to cross a downtown Denver street, during rush hour, while it was snowing.
The icing on the cake is M's leadership. I think its in poor taste to talk bad about leadership. No matter how much they deserve it. So I won't. When does the backstabbing and vindictive behavior stop? Who looks out of the little guy? This situation has caused me more hate than all of them combined.
For the record, I realize how blessed we are. I thank God every single day for my beautiful family. I'm so grateful for what we have (jobs, friends, family). I am just so tired of seeing the underbelly of humanity-even from people we are close to. Its beaten me down to a point where I am literally sick that people can go out of their way to hurt others. Where's karma when you need it? Oh ya, karma doesn't exist, that's just some bullshit people feed you to make you feel better.
I hate the anger that's in my heart. I hate that I am actually hoping for bad things to happen to certain people, no matter how much these people deserve to suffer miserably. What's wrong with me? This isn't me.
I'm sorry this is such a downer post, I just have had it. I deleted several paragraphs b/c I'll more than likely regret a lot of what I have to say to specific people, so I just won't say it. I've got some "happy pills" upstairs in my makeup drawer from when the babies were in the nicu and I couldn't hack it. I never opened them, but I'm contemplating starting now.
I'm sure I'll issue an apology post tomorrow, but today (and for the last week), this is how I feel.
