[due date]

It just occurred to me that today was my due date for Star Baby.  In November 2008, around our first anniversary, we decided to start "trying" for a baby of our very own.  We thought we'd just wing it and see what happened.  I only have one ovary so we were prepared for a lengthy process.  Imagine our surprise when in December of 2008 we found out we were expecting our first baby.  December 20th to be exact.

That day we went to Estes Park.  I know what you're thinking, Estes Park in DECEMBER?  Well, we had only lived in Colorado for 2 weeks and we had NO clue that was a bad decision.  We went.  We climbed the snow banks.  We froze our asses off.  We had a blast.  It was an amazingly happy day and we hadn't even found out the BEST news yet.  

My favorite picture of all time was taken that cold, snowy, amazing December day up in Estes Park.  

We came home, still reeling from our Rocky Mountain high.  I glanced at a calendar on our fridge and thought it was strange that a certain monthly visitor hadn't come to visit yet.  In fact, it was REALLY late.  I chalked it up to the big move out here and all the stress related to that.  All evening I had this nagging feeling.  I had a pregnancy test up in the cabinet-I still have no clue where it came from.  This night was the very first pregnancy test I'd ever taken.  I thought, what the hell.  I took the test.  

M and I both took pictures with the tests.  We've never shown anyone these.  I guess it just hurt too much to see how excited we were.

Wowza.  Who knew getting pregnant would be THAT easy???  I was stunned.  Completely and totally stunned.  From the very moment I saw the positive I was uneasy.  I was ridiculously excited, but I had a strange feeling in the back of my mind.  I tried to push it away as first time pg jitters, but it kept showing up.  I took 3 more tests-2 dye tests and one more digital.  The second digital malfunctioned.  It was then that I knew something wasn't right.  Call it intuition or whatever, but that oops was enough to put me on red alert.  When I got pg the second time, with the twins, I only took ONE test and never took a digital.  I couldn't deal with the possibility of malfunction again.  

We fell deeply in love with this baby.  We called our parents and confirmed the pg with my doctor.  Life was good.  And then it wasn't.  I started having a strange pain.  That strange pain lead to several ER visits and several ultrasounds.  The last one in January that showed our beloved August baby was growing in my fallopian tube.  Cue complete and total heartbreak.  

I got the methotrexate shot, twice, and my hcg (pg hormone) appeared to be dropping as it was supposed to be.  One night, just about a week after the mtx shot, I was suddenly in excruciating pain.  In my heart I knew I was in trouble, but I didn't want to admit it to myself.  At the time we only had one car.  I picked M up from work and told him we were going to the ER.  

I got in immediately and the ultrasound confirmed that despite my great response to the mtx shot, my tube had ruptured anyway.  My baby continued to grow even after lethal doses of medication were administered.  My sweet baby.  I wondered when his heart stopped beating.  That sweet little cherished heart.  I was rushed to the OR.  With a ruptured tube comes big time internal bleeding and I was in bad shape.  

I woke up with a gigantic incision (hip bone to hip bone) and no longer pregnant.  Several weeks later the nurse called me with the pathology report.  She said there wasn't much pregnancy matter in the tissue they removed.  Meaning, my baby was still with me.  I'm not sure why that comforts me, but it does.  At some point he just became part of me again.  

It took us a very very long time to come to grips with this.  We were devastated and just angry.  One day, out of the blue, God was there.  I guess He'd been there all along, we were just too heartbroken to see Him.  I begged for a sign, any sign that our baby was ok.  I looked up into the night sky the night we came home from my hospital stay and there it was-a glorious shooting star.  I knew that was our sign.  He was ok and we would be too.  

He'll always be our first.  We'll never forget that feeling.  The feeling of untainted joy we had when we found out he was coming.  When we found out we were pregnant the second time, we were just as joyful and excited, but we were very guarded.  We knew that things could go wrong because, well, they had.  Thankfully, we have two beautiful babies who will be FIVE months old tomorrow.  

Even still I think to myself, I could have a two year old.  I don't say 'should' because clearly the Lord meant for our baby to stay with Him..  And He doesn't make mistakes.  We're still heartbroken over his loss, but we've found peace.  Peace in every clear, starry night sky.  Peace in every shooting star.  

Thinking of a special lady

This sweet lady is my Grandma.  She passed away in May 2009, but today is her birthday and she's never been far from my thoughts.  This picture hangs on my fridge, under it are the recent ultrasounds of her twin great-grand children.  She would have been tickled pink to meet them!  I like to think she's watching over me and them all the time-and deep down, I know she is.  This is one of the last times I saw her...maybe the last.  She called me the week before she died.  I never called her back.  I was too busy (sick right?), I thought we had more time.  Something in my life was apparently more important.  I could have had a memorable conversation with her.  I could have made it count.  Instead, I put off calling her back and I never talked to her again.  Man that stings.  

She slipped into a kind of coma in her home that week and then drifted peacefully into the arms of her beloved Jesus Christ, with her husband and her sons by her side.  What a beautiful moment that must have been for them.  She was invincible to me, you see.  She was the matriarch.  She made it her life's goal to love all of us and keep our growing family together.  Her greatest joy was to have all of us around her.  She was funny.  She loved to laugh.  She was a special person.  

My Grandma has been walker-bound since I can remember.  She suffered several strokes that left her body limited in what it could do.  That never stopped her.  She was full of pizazz and full of life and she was a natural show stopper.  She was the center of attention, no matter who was in the room.  She adored her boys.  She raised all boys-a lot of them.  Even as adults, with their own children, they were still her baby's.  She'd pull out a scrapbook and her sharp as a tack memory never failed her.  She'd remember the exact situation pictured and tell the story behind it like it happened yesterday.  She had a story for everything and none of us ever really knew if it was a true story or one she made up to dazzle us.  I love that about her.  

She loved Buddha's.  They were all over her home.  Don't let that fool you, she was a devout Catholic.  She just liked Buddha's big belly and bald head.  She got a kick out of him. I wonder what my grandpa did with the Buddha's when she passed?  She loved St Louis sports.  The Cardinals or Blues were always on tv.  She talked about the local newscasters like they broad casted from her living room and were talking directly to her.  She made all of us feel special.  There are a lot of grand children in my family, and she managed to know all of us.  All of our personalities were burned into her brain.  She gave me a book about Native American Archaeology before she passed.  I had no idea she knew I was interested.  She never forgot a birthday and she always gave us TONS of socks and $50 in cash for Christmas.  For birthdays, we got bath goods.  She loved to be pampered.  She loved to be a girl.  She loved to smell good.  Even when she didn't have much hair or wasn't able to take a bath anymore, she still bought tons of high priced hair/bath products to indulge her girly side.  

As I write this, I can't hide the fact that I miss her like crazy.  The day we buried her, in her pink casket covered from top to bottom with pink roses, was one of the hardest days of my life.  I knew then, that our family-that I, would never be the same.  The family  has drifted.  No one gets together for monthly birthday celebrations anymore.  Christmas isn't held on Christmas anymore and its not even held in anyone's home.  This year, its at a restaurant the day after Christmas.  With her, went tradition.  Maybe thats just how it goes.  Maybe thats just life.  

What I do know, is that I have a lot of her in me.  I have been told often that I am a lot like her.  I'm ridiculously proud of that.  She rocked.   Happy Birthday Gram.  I know I'll see you again one day, save me a warm seat next to you ;)