{before I was a mom}

Before I was a Mom,
I never tripped over toys
or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not
my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.
Before I was a Mom,
I had never been puked on.
Pooped on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind
and my thoughts.
I slept all night.
Before I was a Mom,
I never held down a screaming child
so doctors could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night
watching a baby sleep. 
Before I was a Mom,
I never held a sleeping baby just because
I didn't want to put her down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces
when I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small
could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.

I never knew how much I would love being a Mom.
Before I was a Mom,
I didn't know the feeling of
having my heart outside my body..
I didn't know how special it could feel
to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond
between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small
could make me feel so important and happy. 
Before I was a Mom,
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night
every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth,
the joy,
the love,
the heartache,
the wonderment
or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much,
before I was a Mom.

This chokes me up.  So stinking true.  When Fancy started giggling last night, I giggled with her through tears.  Not the drippy, wet, messy kind.  The kind that just linger in the rims of your eyelids and lashes, long enough to blur your vision.  I blink them away and store that special moment in my subconscious forever.  

The instant you become a Mom your heart DOES live outside your body.  In my case, its wiggling around in two perfect little bodies.  I took for granted the time I got to feel them from the inside out.  I was so anxious and worried about every little thing, I rarely stopped to revel in the miracle I was experiencing.  I never EVER thought I'd miss pregnancy, but I do.  I love having my babies here with me.  I love watching them smile and learn and grow and sleep.  I wouldn't change a thing.  BUT, I do wish I could go back in time to tell my pregnant self to just stop and enjoy the kicks, the rolls, the hiccups, the body parts poking out in weird places.  Enjoy being one with your children.  Hindsight.  

They're here and growing at a tremendous rate.  A week from today they'll be FOUR months old.  Holy shit.  Every day they surprise me.  Every day they soak up all the goodness of life and learn so much from it.  They're starting to do this sit-up type move now.  We'll put them on their backs on the floor and they start doing what looks like a little crunch.  They're getting ready to sit up!  They kick a lot with their little leggies.  They reach for their toys and put them in their mouths.  Coach does this cute little reptilian thing with his tongue-I'll have to get a video, its hysterical.  He's such a smiley happy boy...except when he's hungry or sleepy.  Fancy is just FULL of personality.  Sass doesn't come close to describing her.  

I just love them.  They're the most amazing little humans.  They are so much more than I hoped for when I dreamt of my future children as a little girl.  Ironically, I always had twin baby dolls/barbies.  Funny how life works out :)

Ok, I'm rambling.  Motherhood will do that to you.  It sends you into wildly poetic novellas about every little accomplishment.  I love what being a mom has made me.  They make me want to be the best possible me, for them.