{deep breaths}

 

Its officially my last week in Colorado.  Ya.  I'm not sure how I feel other than extremely anxious.  EXTREMELY anxious.  The walls are closing in on me!  My mom comes tomorrow, its nearly midnight and I haven't even begun to think about clearing her room.  Woops. 

Wanna know what I did all day?  Online shopped for baby clothes we don't need.  Actually, let me clarify.  I spent hours and hours putting stuff in the cart, reassessing and taking it out of the cart.  I started at Carters/Oshkosh B'Gosh (Did you know they were the same company?  News to me.) after a couple hours of contemplation and obsessively clicking "add to cart", I deleted everything and moved to Children's Place.  I hopped between Gymboree, Baby Gap and a few others and I left empty handed.  That's right, I didn't buy anything.  This is what happens when I get overwhelmed.

Also, Coach has palpable (meaning you can feel them) lymph nodes in his neck and groin area.  They're not inflamed or swollen (though some are bigger than others) and they don't have any of the characteristics of "scary" nodes, but it still freaks me the fuck out and I worry endlessly.  After a quick inspection (or five) I've discovered that Fancy has them too.  Not as prominent, but they are there and the same size.  Despite the pedi telling me they are normal (many many times) I still spend hours on google going through hundreds of links.  All the while having trouble catching my breath. 

Welcome to my life.  Anxiety is hideous, isn't it?  I know what you're thinking and you're right.  It is ridiculous to live like this.  It impossible to function when I get overwhelmed and the anxiety monster takes over.  Frankly, I'm worried M will decide he's had enough and peace out.  He's wonderful and he's never given me a moment's alarm on that account, but I still worry.  I can't control this.  I feel like a puppet.  I definitely need to figure out a way to get a hold of myself during my 2-week reprieve in Missouri. 

Other than the bullshit mentioned above, the move is going ok.  Boxes are getting packed and its starting to look pretty bare around here.  I'm not looking forward to leaving M for 2 weeks.  That's 2 weeks he'll be without his babies and we'll be without him.  That's a long time for a daddy.  Its necessary for us to go.  It will be easier on him and me (and my anxiety-see, always there) and the babies.  Its important for us to make this move as easy as possible on them.  We'll head to MO on Monday morning for two weeks, then M and I will head for Nashville where we plan on spending a day to rest and be tourists (should be super easy with pets, right?) and then we'll wake up and head for our new home. 

I wish I was more excited.  I'm excited about the end game.  I'm excited to get to NC and start our new life, but from now until then will be interesting.  I keep telling myself that this is life.  Things change, people move.  We're a military family, why am I having this much trouble?  M loves our new home.  LOVES it.  I know I will too.  I just don't deal well with change.  Our life has been here for almost four years.  That's a long time.  I was 25 when we moved here.  I'll be 29 in a month and a half. 

We don't like it here, but its familiar.  Its home (for now).  I'm going to miss my beloved Rocky Mtns something fierce.  The legendary Baby Doe, Molly Brown, Leadville, and every other wonderful little thing about this place.  I haaaaaaaaate the snow, but I bet after a hot, sticky summer in NC I'll be begging for it.  Well, maybe.  I really don't like snow or cold weather.

I guess this post was more word vomit than anything really thought provoking.  Because I'm so interesting to read every other day, right?!?