[more thyroid babble]

I called the nurse at the base clinic today to see if she could interpret the radiology report better for me.  Initially the P.A. read it and was pleased.  I didn't ask many questions.  I realized I needed to, so I called back and spoke to another nurse.  She just told me there were varying small cysts and nodules and that the report claimed "believed/suspected to be benign in nature".  Good news, right?

Today I call back, curious as to what the sizes of the nodules and cysts actually were.  The new Endo said they may choose to biopsy anything over a certain size.  The nurse was reading straight from the report as she spoke to me and of course both of us were pretty lost.  She skimmed over one part about a lesion and a lymph node.  She said it measured 5 mm (1/2 cm).  Why did they mention it on the report?  Was it questionable?  Suspicious?  Why is there no further talk about this?  Why was I not notified about it?  Is it no big deal?  I mean a LYMPH node might be involved.  Yes I realize 5 mm is very borderline and they rarely consider a node suspicious unless its 1 cm.  Still, what's a *slightly* enlarged node doing in my neck and why aren't we more motivated to find out what it is and why its there?

I'm more than a little terrified.  I have all these nodules and cysts on my thryoid and now a lymph node (which I'm not sure what that means) is "noticeable" enough to be put in the report.  I mean, I know thyroid cancer is rare and very curable, but that doesn't make it any less frightening.  And why did the radiologist conclude that he believes/suspects all this to be benign in nature with a slight lymph node enlargement?  I'm so over this.  I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted.

I just keep thinking back to Fancy and Coach.  They are such a blessing.  I prayed so hard for them and for their health.  Its like every time I let my guard down and let the happiness over take me, there's something potentially horrid waiting around the corner.  THIS is why I'm a worry wort.  THIS is why I can never relax.  THIS is why I'm a freak about every little suspicious thing in my babies, M and myself.  Its ALWAYS something and I'm so tired of being THAT person.  The one that goes through the scary shit all the time.  God underestimates my strength.  After years of one thing after another, I'm officially emotionally cashed.  I can't take another stressful medical situation.

Please think of me in your prayers.