[3 days late]

Oct 15th was pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day

This is not a topic I'm ultra comfortable with.  I've avoided writing this post for various reasons.  I don't like to remember the dark days surrounding the loss of our first child.  Even now, almost 3 years later, the pain is intense. 

This is a story you've all heard before, but for "his" sake, I'll tell it again.  On 20 Dec 2008 we found out we were expecting our first child.  A very much loved, longed for and wanted child.  In October we decided to start trying and December we found out that we were expecting. That easy!  Nope, things are never that easy.  I was probably somewhere around 6-7 weeks when we found out about the pregnancy.  I went to the base medical facility to confirm my pregnancy and after a several hour wait they gave me my due date (based on my lmp)-August 19 and sent me on my way with prenatals and a list of OB's in network. 

We were on cloud nine!  I took several more pregnancy tests, just to ease my overactive worried mind.  I finally went and got another digital.  I needed to see the word "pregnant" again.  I did my thing and waited for the test to pop up "pregnant" like the last one had.  This time instead of the hourglass turning into the word I so desperately needed to see again, it came up "error".  Sure, it could have been a fluke, but in my mind, I knew something was wrong.  The only time I've ever had certifiable mother's intuition.

M brushed off my worries and told me that we had no reason to believe that anything was wrong and we should celebrate.  We went to church on Christmas morning and that's when it all started to crumble.  During mass I started to feel a stabbing pain on my left side.  It radiated around to the back of my hips.  I told M again, something's wrong.  The pain got so bad that we decided to head to the ER...on Christmas. 

Once there I got blood drawn to check my hcg (pregnancy hormone).  It came back LOW.  Like really low.  I think it was 50-something.  At this gestation, it should have been in the tens of thousands.  They told me to rest and come back in two days for a re-draw.  The redraw confirmed our fears.  I was losing our baby.  Stay with me, it gets better.

The ER doc instructed me to follow up with an OB so they could follow my hcg down to zero to rule out ectopic pregnancy.  So I did.  I had another draw.  The level was now in the 400's.  The next draw was in the thousands.  Up it climbed, faster and faster.  They suspected ectopic.  Ultrasound in the ER confirmed it.  There he was, our baby-looking like a baby, in my fallopian tube very close to my ovary.  We knew then that the baby we prayed for, the baby we loved so much, had no chance of survival.  But there he was with a beating heart.

I was administered Methotrexate to "dissolve the pregnancy".  Just like that, they wanted to dissolve our baby with chemicals?  Our baby.  The doctors assured me if we didn't have the shot or opt to surgically remove our baby, my life was in danger.  Little did they know, it would be anyway. 

Life after methotrexate was sad, but we assumed we were moving in the right direction.  My levels were appropriately dropping and all the OB's on my case were happy with my progress.  One night a couple days after the metho shot I had unbearable pain in my abdomen.  I knew, despite our efforts to prevent it, that my tube had ruptured. 

On to the ER-again.  The ultrasound again confirmed our fears.  Rupture causing massive internal bleeding.  The tech showed me all the free blood filling my abdomen.  She rushed around and started calling the appropriate personnel.  My life was now in danger. 

The surgeon wisked me away to another room and had me sign consent forms for my emergency surgery.  Through terrified tears, M and I signed, understanding that not doing so would end in my death.  I was wheeled back and quickly prepped for surgery.  The last thing I remember is a sweet nurse (I never got her name) holding my hand and rubbing my arm, telling me that it would all be ok.  

You know what?  The nurse was right, it would all be ok.  It took me a long time to get to "ok", but I got there.  I'll never forget the innocent blissful happiness that our first baby gave to us.  Without his loss I'm not sure we'd have the twins.  Another story for another day :)  Thank you baby, we love you.

That's the story of our beloved Star Baby.